Bar Stories: What The Hell Just Happened?
by Emerald Tiara
Summary: That better not be beer, or all hell breaks loose..Let the battle of the shapeshifters and others begin! O.O.C, A.D.D, A.D.H.D, O.C.D, and many many more! discontinued.
1. The Games Begin

**Bar Stories: What The Hell Just Happened?**

**I have created this story to enact revenge upon the evil author Draye. She made me transform into Ed and on-the-lips kiss Envy. Okay, I may love Envy, but that does not mean I will kiss him! To witness my humiliation, read _Bar Stories: Are We Drunk Yet?_ by Draye.**

**Chapter 1: The Games Begin **

I slowly skulked into the bar. My misery was evident. I had been cornered by Eragon, Han Solo, and Lust all at once because, apparently, I was an arrogant idiot who deserved to be pummeled to the ground.

I found a seat at the bar and ordered a large beer. Looking around, I hissed in distaste as I saw who had come to the bar that night. This, you see, was the reason I despised the government: the Author Bar I had previously gone to was shut down because it was run by anarchists who refused to pay the taxes.

"So, Emerald. Watcha doing'?"

I turned to find Draye seated next to me. I smiled tiredly. "Oh, not much. I was cornered by three characters who hate me, so now I'm feeling very depressed."

She firmly turned me towards the barman. "Beer helps all. Drink up."

"Sorry girls, you're underage."

"What?!" we exclaimed. "What's the drinking age around here?"

He stared at us. "21," he said slowly. "The same as everywhere else."

Draye laughed. "Oh, its okay. We're 313 and 317."

"No you're not," he retorted.

Draye leaped onto the countertop, pulled out a large red sword, and brandished it at the barman. "You will give us beer!"

As he meekly grabbed two glasses and set them in front of us, I stared. "What in high hell is wrong with you?"

"Anything and everything possible. Drink."

"Poor Draye." I shook my head. "Have you ever heard of alcoholism?"

"No. And I'm not an alcoholic."

I sighed morosely.

"Poor Emerald. You're depressed, aren't you?"

I nodded.

"Well don't look behind you." Apparently Draye'd never heard of reverse psychology.

I looked behind me. (Um…) This was also the reason I hated character bars: seated around a table were Roy Mustang (I hate his guts), Hohenheim (I hate his guts), and Gluttony (I hate his guts). Transforming into Riza Hawkeye, I approached the table.

"Hello, Lieutenant...What are you doing here?" You could tell Roy was scared out of his mind.

"Colonel," I said, struggling to hold in laughter, "You are going to get very drunk, aren't you?"

"What?"

"I want you to take off your gloves. Then I want you to set them on fire."

"But-"

"If you don't listen to what I say right now there will be a large pile of paperwork on your desk tomorrow morning."

"Eep. Yes ma'am." Gluttony was already cowering under the table.

Hohenheim was confused. "Why are you so scared of her?"

In true Riza style, I whirled around and fired. When the smoke cleared, the many bullets embedded into the wall had formed the outline of Hohenheim's head.

And I had transformed into Winry.

Roy stared, and then stood up very quickly. "Envy," he growled.

"Oh no, I'm afraid you're very much mistaken." And I transformed into Envy.

It didn't really work out. You see, I once took a sacred oath never to transform into a male. Waitaminute...Envy's a gender-confused palm tree. Oh, okay. No worries then.

"It is Envy!" yelled Roy.

I sighed. "Must I repeat myself? I'm not Envy!" I turned back into my preferred form: Tallish, with loooong blue hair and gray-blue eyes, I was wearing jeans with the knees cut out and a black T-shirt.

"You!" gasped Roy.

Draye stepped out from behind me.

"You!" gasped Roy.

"We meet again," said a voice from behind me.

I turned. Standing behind me was Envy, and behind him were the rest of the Homunculi. Quickly hiding my surprise, I calmly tucked my hair behind my ear. "Well, well, well. The gender-confused palm tree has decided the join us."

"I AM NOT A GENER-CONFUSED PALM TREE!"

Sloth snickered. Lust was shaking with suppressed giggles. Greed, Wrath, and Pride were openly laughing.

"WHAT'S SO FUNNY?"

"Emerald and Draye are the only ones who can get to you so quickly," gasped Greed.

Envy whirled around and punched me. I turned into Hohenheim just to piss him off.

A fight ensued.

When the dust settled, Envy was grasping my throat. So I turned into a porcupine. He screamed and dropped me. Draye intervened.

"Okay everyone, we all know you hate each other, now let's all go buy drinks."

Envy gave me a death glare. "If I'm a gender-confused palm tree, so are you!"

"No, no, no, Envy. Not all shape shifters are gender-confused palm trees. I, for one, have taken a sacred oath to never turn into a man, it's perfectly clear that I'm a girl, and I don't have green hair."

I have no clue how, but next minute me, Draye, and all the Homunculi were seated at the bar. Actually, it was just me and the Homunculi. Draye had dragged Roy outside to beat his guts out. Gluttony was eating a chair, and Hohenheim had gone away because no one was talking to him.

"So, Sloth," I said companionably. "How's Wrath?"

"Ask him yourself." I looked at Wrath. He was arguing fiercely with Envy, bug surprise, until Envy transformed into Izumi and I punched his nose. "You suck!" I yelled.

"Oh yeah? Well YOUR MOM!"

"YOUR MOM'S SO STUPID SHE GAVE BIRTH TO YOU!"

"YOU'R MOM'S SO STUPID SHE...SHE...OKAY YOU WIN!" grinding his teeth furiously, he turned away.

"I HEREBY-"

"I think you're stuck in caps lock," Draye pointed out.

"NO SHIT _COugh cough_ way to point out the obvious," I rasped. "Okay then. I hereby challenge Envy to a shots contest with Pride!"

"Why you evil, evil girl!" they gasped at the same time. Draye grinned wickedly, vampire fangs glinting in the light.

With no choice but to comply, they started, both muttering under their breaths "I hate you I hate you I hate you..."

They drank.

And drank.

And drank.

It soon became clear that Envy couldn't hold his liquor for shit. He jumped up onto the counter and.. and he...

Well, he...

He started stripping.

Draye and I choked on our beer. Lust gasped and slit her throat on one of her fingers. Sloth ran, covering Wrath's eyes. Pride's eyes widened in horror, and he impaled himself upon Draye's sword. Greed squeezed his eyes firmly shut and began strangling himself. Draye began wheezing and gasping and I pounded her on the back. We ran, screaming bloody murder. Envy, oblivious, danced around.

"Never again!" I vowed hoarsely. "Never again will I let Envy get drunk!"

Draye simply shuddered.

**Not very funny? Or is it...**

**If you would like to be featured, PM me or review stating the name you would like to be referred to as, your fandom of choice, the character you would like to annoy, etc, etc.**

**This isn't over, Draye. Oh no, it is FAR from over. Revenge WILL be mine!**

**-Emerald Tiara.**


	2. Thanksgiving From Hell

**Happy Thanksgiving! Silver, Draye told me anything I have you down as saying, if it doesn't sound like you, blame her.**

**Chapter 2: Thanksgiving From Hell**

The doorbell rang. Draye, Silver Sliver and I, Emerald Tiara, leapt up from the computer and raced for the door. Laughing, we opened the door and all three stopped in mid-giggle. Because Eragon stood in front of us.

"Oh no, not you…" muttered Silver.

Draye and I were whimpering with distaste. Then behind Eragon, Murtagh appeared.

We stopped in mid-whimper.

I drooled. "Come in, come in," said Draye graciously. "Thanksgiving dinner will be served shortly."

"Um, Draye," I muttered nervously, "we don't have a turkey."

Silver whipped one out from behind her back. "Yes we do."

"Its dangerous to leave the door open," said a voice. Standing in the doorway was Envy and Wrath and Roy.

"Where's Lust? I thought she said she was coming," asked Silver.

"She decided to go to Scar's instead," said Gluttony who then turned up.

"Oh, for God's sake," I complained, but then Leia and Padme and pre-Dark Side Anakin showed up.

"Are we late?" asked someone. Darren and Evra were looking over Leia's shoulder.

"Dinner is served," announced Silver, who had somehow managed to come up with a turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, sweet potatoes, and cranberry sauce all in the space of three seconds.

"How did you do that?" asked Darren.

"Alchemy," she replied.

"…Alrighty then," I muttered. I herded everyone into the dining room. Quickly setting the table, I looked at the seating cards Draye had set out and glared at her. Why, oh why was I sitting next to Envy? Wrath plopped down beside me. "Hi," I said, as Silver got up to make a speech. Wrath waved absentmindedly. Anakin winked suggestively at Draye. She and Padme gave him the finger.

"Okay! Welcome to the first Thanksgiving Emerald has ever had since joining said Silver. Nobody paid any attention. She looked at me pleadingly and I tossed her a judge's gavel. She banged on the table. "ORDER! ORDER!" Everybody shut up. "Now then. Let us be reminded of what this day represents. We take this day to remember what we are grateful for. Let's go around the table and say what we are thankful for."

Envy: "I'm thankful…….I don't know. I guess I'm thankful that I finally got to kill Hohenheim." ("Amen to that," I breathed.)

Emerald (me): "I'm thankful that they came out with the Christmas flavors at Starbucks, because I love Peppermint Mocha Frappuchinos."

Wrath: "I'm thankful for both my Mommies, Sloth and Izumi."

Roy: "I'm thankful for my mad skillz with fire."

Draye: "I'm thankful for…um…rock candy! And, uh, Tippy my computer, and beer, and blood, and friends. Friends that listen to my ravings and love me even though I try to kill them every chapter."

Darren: "I'm thankful that the vampaneze haven't killed me yet."

Evra: "I'm thankful…….for snakes, I guess. Maybe. I don't know!"

Eragon: "I'm thankful for being able to kill things with magic."

Murtagh: "I'm thankful that Eragon hasn't killed me yet. I mean, he's sitting right next to me and he hates my guts."

Leia: "I'm thankful that I can still order people around even though Alderaan blew up."

Anakin: "I'm thankful that I can get away with marrying Padme behind the Council's back."

Padme: "Ditto."

Gluttony: "I'm thankful Dante's dead."

Silver: "I'm thankful for books and sugar and alchemy. Okay, now that that's over with, Thanksgiving is a time of coming together. This is when the Pilgrims realized that the Indians weren't so bad after all. So tonight, we must all put aside our differences" (she glared at Envy and I) "and remember that on the inside, we are al peoplWOOMPH!"

Wrath had thrown a mashed potato spoonful at her. "Be diverse, three of us don't have souls!"

"FOOD FIGHT!!!" I screamed, and ducked as Envy took the opportunity to hurl half the turkey at me. Eragon had strung drumsticks onto his bow and was firing at all and sundry.

Anakin had taken to a more defensive approach, and was returning anything thrown at him with the Force. Padme had a blaster and was shooting the missiles as they came at her. Leia was doing the same. Wrath had taken over the bowl of potatoes and was sling shooting them everywhere. Roy had set the stuffing on fire and was throwing the fiery missiles at Draye.

Darren and Evra were back to back, catching and throwing anything that came their way. I had leapt up onto the counter and was tossing gobs of cranberry sauce at Roy. Murtagh was using his sword as a baseball bat to deflect all bombardment. Draye had tackled Envy and was smooshing sweet potatoes into his hair.

Gluttony was just eating everything, and Silver was taking them from below. Her method of attack: _stuff turkey into their socks_.

Finally I screamed at the top of my lungs. "EVERYBODY **SIT DOWN**!"

They sat. Silver transmuted the dinner back to normal, and we ate.

Then it was time for dessert. (_Dun dun dunnn…_)

I brought out an apple pie and a pumpkin pie. Then Draye brought out something.

"Look at what I made, Emerald!" she said.

I looked at the reddish pudding. "What the hell is that?"

"Taste it!" she insisted.

"Why, is it poisoned? Should I be scared?" I asked, bemused.

Draye glared at me. "Just taste it!"

I tasted it. "Hmm, its actually good. What is it?"

"Blood pudding, with real human blood!" she smiled.

I gagged. "I think I need to use the bathroom."

She looked at Darren. "It isnt that bad, is it?"

He snorted. "Vampires."

"What?" She looked around. "Envy…" the green-haired homunculus walked away, shaking his head. "Oh come on, I'm not that bad of a cook, Wrath you try some."

"No way in hell!" replied the evil child.

"Silver?"

"No thank you," shuddered the girl. "I like living."

"Hmph. Roy, come on, you would never turn down a woman's cooking, would you?"

The Flame Alchemist wandered over. "No, I wouldn't. Hey, that's pretty good. What is it?"

"…Blood pudding."

He lurched to his feet. "Must...go…bathroom…"

"I think Emerald's already in there," called Draye. "Leia, want to try?"

"I guess so…" she took a spoonful. "What is it?"

"Blood pudding." The ex-princess of Alderaan clapped her hand over her mouth and ran.

"Already taken! said the vampire. "Nobody likes my cooking." She sighed. "Oh well, I guess I'll eat it."

Before she could eat anything, Gluttony ate the entire thing. "HEY! THAT WAS MY BLOOD PUDDING!" yelled Draye.

"Blood….pudding…?" said the fat thing. "Gluttony need bathroom!"

"Sorry, but I think they formed a line!"

**Aww, nobody likes Draye's blood pudding…. Come on, people, and review! I know at least 15 of you have read this.**

**Azulcat: thanks anyway…**

**Draye: Calm down, I'll go into more detail later. Yes, I will blame Nella!**

**Okay people, I know you're reading! I repeat: if you wish to be featured in a chapter, PM me with the name you would like to be referred to as and the fandom of your choice, as well as what character you wish to annoy.**


	3. Dead Arya!

**SO! Welcome back to the story with no plotline. Well, it has a plot…dashed line, you could say. Yes, a plot-dashed line!**

**Or maybe it could be a plot Swiss cheese. You know, cuz the list of plot holes in five pages long…Yes. A plot cheese, that's what it is!**

**Chapter Three: Dead Arya!**

So there I was, back in the bar with Azulcat after my frightening Thanksgiving. Today nothing much was going on, a few characters were there, but they were only ones I had never heard of or didn't like.

I was bored. This is nothing unusual. I am always bored unless someone is trying to kill me. Then I am mildly interested.

"Emerald, why are we here if you are just going to be moody?"

I shrugged wordlessly.

"Emerald," said Azulcat, "Start being less antisocial and talk, or gods help me I will sing the Barney song."

I screamed a very, high-pitched scream. The few characters in the bar (I was later informed that they were Inuyasha, Samara from The Ring, Achilles, and Sophie Neveu) looked up.

"Sorry," I said sheepishly.

Wait.

The door swung open. Azulcat and I looked up to see Eragon, Murtagh, Arya, and Nasuada come in. I narrowed my eyes, thinking of how to embarrass them like I had Envy…..Yes. I would (I can't tell you, because that would ruin the surprise!)

I walked up to Arya and clapped her on the shoulder companionably. Azulcat, in on the plan, went over to converse casually with the barman. "So Arya, watcha doing?"

"Ignoring you," she said coldly.

Azulcat drifted over. "Well, the barman's just told me he has a large keg of beer sitting in the back and he has nothing to do with it. I bet," she looked squarely at Arya, "you couldn't drink it."

Arya flared with anger. "Are you challenging me?"

"Oh no," I said nonchalantly. "We didn't say that, we're just passing on the message. Eragon was the one who said it."

Arya marched over to Eragon and pulled him away from Murtagh. "You, sir, are about to be beaten!"

"What? Oh…did Azulcat and Emerald tell you what I said?"

We giggled helplessly. I signaled to the barman and he brought out the keg. Azulcat and I set the rules.

"NO vomiting or magicking the beer away!"

"All beer must be drunk!"

"First one to die, faint, spit out beer, make out with their opponent, or start singing and/or stripping loses!"

"Contestants get set…drink!"

Arya and Eragon downed shot after shot of beer. Nobody knew exactly just how long they could hold their liquor, but it couldn't have been very long: seconds after the betting was closed, Eragon fell over, cross-eyed.

"ARYA WINS!" we shouted. Arya bowed gracefully, but she too staggered: she was DRUNK!

She walked up to Murtagh, turned him around, and _kissed him full on the lips_.

Azulcat and I stared.

Just…stared.

"No! I cries a sad cry!" Azulcat patted me sympathetically on the back.

"You!" I shrieked at Eragon. Go figure, when he looked at me to ask what was wrong I lost my train of thought.

"Yes?"

"I…um…damn, never mind!" I sulked as I sat down and imagined all the ways I could kill Arya.

Poison her beers…stab her in the back…shoot her from behind…walk her into a bear-filled cave…

I finally decided on something, and walked over to Arya. Pulling her away from Murtagh, I pulled out a knife and raised it over her head. "YOU DIE!"

However, Arya had other plans. She grabbed another knife and we began fencing with each other, using knives. Finally I gave a monosyllabic war cry and plunged the knife into her neck.

Arya died giving me the finger.

Everyone in the bar cheered and gave me a toast, but the barman …

"No bar fights in my bar!"

"But I was defending my broken heart!"

"NO BAR FIGHTS IN MY BAR!"

"Asshole," I muttered, and now this chapter is done.

**Argg… Next up we have Christmas from Hell! This story goes in a pattern, one holiday from hell and then a chapter and then another holiday.**


	4. Christmas From Hell

Bar Stories, I am under SO much pressure to get these up in time for each respective holiday…

_This chapter is not meant to insult any firm believers in Christianity, people like my friend Maria who are true devotees. No, it is merely the work of crazy atheists who wish to poke some fun at their major fandoms._

Chapter 4: Christmas From Hell

"OY! AZULCAT!" I bellowed as Silver and Draye teetered on my shoulders. "WE NEED YOU TO COME AND PUT THE STAR ON TOP!"

We had just finished untangling the lights and putting them on the tree, and I was all decorated out. After pitching in to help the decorating committee cheer up the school, I needed a break.

"But I can't!" objected Azulcat. "I have to finish setting the table!"

"Screw that, we need you here! We're about to fall over!" yelled Draye as she very nearly missed gouging my eye out with her shoe.

"Remind me again why I'm on the bottom?"

"Because you can shift your muscles to hold out longer. Azulcat, NOW!" screamed Silver as she clung to the evergreen pine tree for support.

"Oh, fine," sighed Azulcat. She grabbed hold of my shoulders and hoisted herself up, ignoring the protesting screams muffled by her elbow in my mouth. She then climbed over Draye and Silver as the tree shook dangerously.

"Um, will someone please hand me the star?"

I muttered something that was blocked out by the doorbell. I looked up at everyone else, who shook their heads to show that this could wait. I scrabbled behind me for the golden star, snatching it up just when a second more would have made us fall. It was quickly passed up to Azulcat, who stuck it on top of the tree and climbed down gracefully. As the human—er, creature—ladder disassembled itself, I grumbled to Draye.

"Why couldn't I have just turned into a hawk and flown it up there?" I asked as I went to answer the persistent ringing of the doorbell.

"It was more fun this way." Finally losing her patience, Draye creamed "What is so urgently important that you need to ring the doorbell every consecutive second!"

She jerked open the door to find Padme, Anakin, Obi-Wan, and Yoda before her. All were covered in snow, as they had had to burrow through 5 feet of it to reach the door. They came, in getting snow everywhere.

"Oh, my mom's gonna kill me…" I moaned as I surveyed the damage.

"Oh, Nora's pretty cool with stuff like this," commented Silver.

"Yes, but I was supposed to keep the house clean! That was the only condition on which you guys were allowed to come over!"

Azulcat raised an eyebrow. "Snow melts, Emerald. Snow melts."

We seated the Jedi and the Senator and were trying (unsuccessfully) to light a fire when the doorbell rang again. "Arrg," I muttered as I dusted myself off and opened the door to find Roy, Riza, Ed, Al, and Winry.

"Alright, who invited the chibi?" I demanded as Silver and Draye shuffled their feet sheepishly and Ed glared at me.

"We thought he'd be lonely, it being Christmas and everyone else being here," explained Draye.

Azulcat had taken command of the kitchen, and had caution-taped it off to the guests. A large sign was hung: "KITCHEN OFF LIMITS".

Silver and I slipped under the tape and surveyed the battle zone.

"Look, Azulcat, you can't just cook a Christmas dinner without backup. You need help, and desperately."

Together the three of us managed to wrestle a fully fledged dinner out of the various food items floating around, and Draye was immediately notified that blood pudding was hereafter banned from any of my holiday gatherings.

We found her armed with a butcher's knife, trying to keep Winry at bay.

"But it's so shiny! So masterful! I just have to disassemble it!" whined the mechanic.

"What's she up to now?" I murmured to Draye.

"She wants to take apart your laptop," she replied, not taking her eyes off of Winry.

"NO!" I immediately shouted. "You can't! You can't! It's unthinkable what you could do to it!"

"But why?" Winry asked.

"If you destroy my computer," I growled, "I swear I will not hesitate to kill you."

"Fine, _be _that way."

The doorbell rang yet again. Muttering darkly, Draye, Silver and I left Azulcat to guard the dinner and stalked off to answer it.

We found Inuyasha, Kagome, and Sesshomaru waiting in front of the door.

"What are you doing here?" I asked Kagome. "The invitation was sent out only to Inuyasha, Kikyo and Sesshomaru. And where is Kikyo, anyway?"

Draye kicked me. "Kikyo IS Kagome, remember?"

We sat them all in front of the fireplace, which thanks to Roy was now up in flames. As we herded everyone into the dining room, Wrath, Sloth, Envy, and Lust showed up.

"Good, you made it," said Silver. Envy glared at me.

Behind them, just as we were about to close the door, Murtagh and Arya burrowed out of a snow bank.

"WHAT! YOU'RE DEAD! I KILLED YOU LAST CHAPTER!" I shrieked. Arya shrugged.

"I hope I'm not late," remarked Islanzadi from behind them.

"Nope, just in time," said Azulcat.

I took my place at the table. Draye sat between Sesshomaru and Inuyasha, effectively separating them so they didn't kill each other. Kagome looked at them worriedly, but Draye reassured her that it was under control. Azulcat called everyone to order.

"I would like to just take this time to remind everyone just why Emerald Tiara invited you to her first Christmas: she wanted everyone to get along for at least two hours."

"I did?" I whispered to Silver.

"She had to beg her mother to allow this," Azulcat continued, "and now I think she would like to speak.

"I would?"

"Just do it," sighed Azulcat.

"Okay, did you all bring presents for everyone as per requested in the invitation?" The characters nodded. "Alright then. Tonight we will be opening presents, because I **refuse** to let you all spend the night. After dinner, we will all gather around the tree that took forever to decorate, and be very happy and or annoyed at what we got. Stockings are already hung.

However: since none of you have ever had a Christmas before…you are all going to have the complete Christmas experience. So we shall all after dinner go play in the snow. Now eat!"

Dinner passed without incident, if you don't count Yoda wrestling Murtagh, and Sloth trying to drown Kagome. Oh, and of course Roy attempting to hit on Islanzadi (unsuccessfully).

We went outside after I went up to the attic and found a shitload of coats, snow pants and gloves. Azulcat called for a snowman contest, and Silver and I were well on our way to winning when something hit me in the back.

That something was cold, wet, and signaled the start of a battle. That something was a snowball.

I turned around to find Lust, Sloth, Envy, and Wrath ganged up and looking very smug. Slowly the rest of the characters abandoned their snowmen and drifted over to the four homunculi.

"Authors versus characters," said Envy with a grin.

The four of us looked at each other; we knew we were hopelessly outnumbered. Then the first missiles came.

We cowered behind a pitiful fort, trying to come up with a plan before we were defeated. I leapt up, turned into a dragon, opened my mouth, and immediately ducked behind the fort again as my mouth was stuffed with snowballs.

It was impossible to see anything; the air was so thick with snowballs. Swallowing my pride, a stood up, and with Silver transmuting a shield, bellowed "WE SURRENDUR!" Laughing evilly, the characters went inside as we authors followed forlornly after.

Then we gathered around the tree…

Well, first we opened stockings. I was very happy to receive a little model of Tronjheim, the size of my fist.

Then we gathered around the tree.

On the count of "three—two—one—go!" by Silver, wrapping paper flew everywhere. I squealed as Draye's present, a new rapier, was revealed, and Draye wasted no time attaching her new Envy keychain to her katana. Silver gasped as she opened her new , and Azulcat grinned as a beautiful phoenix figurine emerged.

Inuyasha stared at his present. Then he jumped up and started chasing me around the house, demanding that I tell him where I found the two shards of the Shikon jewel that I had given him.

Wrath ran up and hugged me. "I can't believe you got me a punching bag with a picture of Ed on it! Thank you so much!"

Yes, people. I'm amazing.

Lust received an elegant mirror, courtesy of FedEx, because I had connections with a FedEx employee. Through negotiations, I managed to get it delivered early. Sesshomaru…well, he was hard. He got an iPod, just for the hell of it.

Arya smiled as she found a new bow and quiver, and raced outside to try it, nearly knocking over Ed as he examined a book on the Philosopher's Stone. He barely noticed.

Al was too absorbed in his present to pay attention to anything else: he had received a live kitten, and was busy raiding the fridge for some milk. Winry smiled over her new over tool set.

Roy cackled as he discovered a new pair of gloves that would allow him to make fires in the rain. "Now you can't call me useless!" he shouted at Riza, who promptly aimed her new gun at him.

Padme was admiring a blaster, as Envy grinned at an assortment of knives.

Anakin, too, got a mirror, but only because he needed to practice looking innocent. Obi-Wan got a gift certificate to Lowe's, because Azulcat had caved under the pressure and finally bought something from telemarketers.

Yoda was mildly offended at a book of grammar, but quickly realized it was a joke. Kagome was confused, but once Silver explained what it was, Kagome quickly joined Arya outside to practice her archery from her new _Archery for Dummies_ book. Murtagh was extremely angry over a documentary film on how not to be angsty, but a quick chat with Azulcat helped him realize his problems and he soon hijacked the TV.

Islanzadi had been particularly hard to shop for, but in the end Draye had the bright idea to get her a ticket to see Dr. Phil with Arya about her parenting problems.

**Arrg…I have five days to get two chapters up…**

**I'm not even going to answer your reviews, because all of you were in this chapter.**


	5. Figments of Imagination

**Back in the bar again… so much stress, to post two chapters in 6 days…**

**Chapter 5: Figments of Imagination**

Michelle and I looked around and whimpered in self-pity. The bar was packed.

We squeezed through the crowd. Finding a small table at the back, we sat down.

"Remind me why I'm here?"

"Because, by default, you are the only one eligible for a chapter. Everyone who reviewed was already here."

"But I'm not an author. And I'm against alcohol," stated Michelle. "And why is your hair blue if your name is Emerald?"

"Because," I explained very slowly, "Envy already took the green-hair idea. And blue is cooler, and if you want I can make it another color."

"Okay. Why not yellow?"

I gritted my teeth. I should have expected this. Oh well, I could at least be difficult. Rolling my eyes, I stated "Bright yellow? Neon yellow? Piss-yellow? Gold? Dirty blonde? Pale yellow? Mustard yellow?"

"…Just keep the blue," sighed Michelle. "Weren't we supposed to be annoying someone?"

"Take your pick, look around." I gestured at the many characters filling the bar. "No, wait, on second thought don't."

Michelle raised an eyebrow questioningly. I gestured to a table across the bar at which four characters sat. She thought for a moment, then grinned and nodded hard.

You know you're good friends when you can do all that without speaking.

We sauntered over to the table. Artemis Fowl, Holly, Butler, and Foaly looked up at us expectantly.

"Who are you?" asked Artemis.

"Well that depends, I can be anyone you want me to be." I Shifted into Minerva, then into Artemis's mother. "But for the time being you can call me Emerald. I'm a Shape-Shifter."

Foaly looked up from his Palm-Pilot-ish thing that he was working on. "A Shape-Shifter? Is that an unknown kind of fairy? Do you all have gemstone names? Are there very many of you?"

I rolled my eyes and sighed at the same time. "No, as far as I know I'm the only existing Shape-Shifter. No, I am not a fairy. I could be if I wanted to, though. And my full name is Emerald Tiara, but everyone just calls me Emerald."

"How do you do it, though? Do you have to concentrate, or is it an unconscious reaction? Is it the product of science? Or is it magic? Or were you born this way?" Now it was Artemis's turn to be the inquisitioner.

Michelle cleared her throat, to remind me that we were on a schedule. I nodded, and turned back into myself.

"So, Holly, you're awfully quiet today. What's wrong?"

Holly blinked. "Well, if you don't count having missed three years of my life, I'm perfectly fine. Why do you ask?"

"I'm curious. Anyway, Artemis, what's your favorite color?"

"Um, blue?"

"Thank you," said Michelle. "We'll be right back." We left, leaving the four characters looking very confused.

"Now, where can I find the nearest A.C. Moore?" I asked the barman.

"Down the street and to the left," he replied without looking up.

We ran down to the store, and quickly came back after Michelle had to pull me away from the art supplies.

We ran down to the store, and quickly came back after Michelle had to pull me away from the art supplies. Quickly constructing a thing out of posterboard and construction paper, we returned to Artemis's table.

"What would you say," we asked the characters, "If we told you that you were all characters in a book, and that your very lives were being controlled by a number of authors who decide everything that happens in your lives?"

"I would say you were crazy," replied Butler, "and that is impossible because we make our own decisions, and nobody decides our lives for us."

"Poor, ignorant Butler," said Michelle sadly. "You really don't know, then. Everything we say is true."

I whipped out the posterboard to show a compilation of all the Artemis Fowl book covers, along with the actual books themselves.

"Take a look," we advised. "But don't say we didn't warn you." Holly and Foaly dived for the books, each taking a copy of _The Eternity Code_ and _The Opal Deception_.

"What the…" said Butler, immersed in _The Lost Colony_. "It's all true."

"It is indeed," replied Artemis, scanning _The Arctic Adventure._ "How could we not know that all this time we were being controlled by a man named" he checked the cover "Eoin Colfer?"

We nodded sympathetically. "And that's not all," I said in a stage whisper. "Countless fanfiction authors have taken it into their own hands to create new adventures for you all. Why, right now you are being subjected to my own whims, as you are at this very moment in my own story."

The characters looked sad. "So, none of our decisions were ever our own, but merely the influence of somebody else?" asked Holly.

We would have nodded, but…

"Emerald Tiara, Reader Michelle."

We turned around.

The bar had frozen. It was as if time had stopped. In the middle of the bar stood a beautiful woman.

"I am Clio, Muse of History," the woman said. "Although, enough fanfiction authors have put up mini-shrines that I am thinking of changing my title. Writing _is_ a form of recording history, after all."

We dropped to our knees. "We are not worthy, we are not worthy!"

"Stop." The word was spoken with immeasurable authority. "You two have broken the laws. By the Law of Author-Character Interaction, authors may speak with their original characters or canon characters, under the sole condition that they may not reveal what you two have just revealed. No character is EVER to know that they are figments of imagination!"

"Um, your holiness?" Michelle raised her hand timidly.

"I am not a goddess, I am a Muse. The proper term to address the Nine Muses is 'inspirationliness,' stated Clio.

"Okay, your inspirationliness."

"Speak, Reader Michelle."

"Well, I'm not an author. Am I still restricted under these laws?"

"Am I correct in saying that you have an account on and approximately two days ago you sent an e-mail to Emerald Tiara, revealing that you had an idea for a possible story?"

"Damn," I said under my breath. Out loud, I said, "Can we be let off on a first offense?"

"Perhaps. As punishment, the next time you come to this bar it will be OC night."

"Ah well, I guess I deserve it," I said forlornly.

"Yes. You do," said Clio. "When I leave, none of the _Artemis Fowl_ characters shall remember anything you told them. Be warned that the next time you reveal a character's origin, you will be severely punished with writer's block for two years. Behave."

And she was gone.

The bar was noisy again, as if nothing had ever happened.

**So, the muses think they can stop my fun, huh?**

**Next up: New Year's from Hell!**


	6. New Year's From Hell

**HAPPY NEW YEAR!**

**_Note: like the Christmas chapter, the frequent uses of 'Jesus' as a swear word are not an attempt to insult the Christian population. Emerald Tiara is the only character who says it, because she is me, and that is the swear word I most frequently use. I repeat, I am not trying to make any statement by using 'Jesus,' except to prove the point that I am annoyed in the story._**

Today, instead of at my house, my New Year's party was being held at Fowl Manor.

This is because my mother had forbidden me to have it at my house. This is what she said: "Let you invite a bunch of crazy characters on New Year's so they can get drunk and ruin my house? Do you think I'm crazy?"

Yep, that's Mommy for you. Except I don't call her that. Nor have I for about 309 years.

"But Mom," I whined, "why?"

"Because if I know anything about you, you will invite Draye, Silver, Azulcat, and Michelle. And while Michelle does not drink, the rest of them can't hold their liquor for anything. Aside from that, knowing you, you will also be inviting characters from Artemis Fowl, and I am sure faeries are easily drunk, from that time you Shifted. You will also invite several Homunculi, and Lust can easily cut through the three padlocks, five chains, and the bolt I have on the liquor cabinet."

"Mom, I'm 313 years old! I think by now I can host a New Year's party by myself!"

"Yes, you are 313, and I am your mother, and you will not have a party here!"

"Jesus Christ, woman…"

And that is how we ended up at Fowl Manor.

"But why MY house?" asked Artemis for what must have been the fifth time.

"No other characters have such a huge house. Your fault. Let's see," said Silver as she listed off characters. "One, you actually live on earth."

"And," added Draye, "Inuyasha doesn't have a house, Ed burned his down, Eragon lives in a tree, Arya I just can't see letting us have a party in Ellesmera, Anakin lives on another planet, and Holly lives underground. See my point?"

"It's actually **my** point," I call from the ceiling as I hung a Disco ball in the ballroom. "But you can have it too."

"what can **I** do? I feel so useless!" cried Azulcat. "I **hate** being a human!"

"No," said Silver and Draye simultaneously. "No, you don't."

I slipped off the ladder and fell, quickly Shifting into a hawk and soaring around the room.

"Okay, maybe you do," agreed Draye.

'Haha, you're normal…" said Michelle.

"What, and you aren't?"

"No, I'm not," said Michelle, tossing her hair over her shoulder. "It's not the sort of information one gives out freely, but I am an Alchemuncuzodifreak."

The three of them blinked a couple of times. I looked over my shoulder. "Yeah, she is. Didn't you know?"

Michelle sighed. "For your information, an Alchemuncuzodifreak is a Homunculus that can do alchemy and is also a member of the Chinese Zodiac. As far as I know, I am the only one in existence."

"So," said Draye slowly, "like in Fruits Basket, if you get hugged by a boy you would turn into a…what, exactly?"

"A zebra." She looked at everyone's faces. "I didn't choose it!"

"So, you're a Homunculus that can do alchemy and turns into a zebra when a boy hugs you? And you're a member of the Sohma family?"

"Distant cousin."

"So where's your Ouroboros tattoo?" challenged Silver.

I sighed at them from where I was perched as a gryffin on the railing. "Jesus, are you blind or something? Look at her forehead!"

They looked. Indeed, scrawled on Michelle's forehead was an Ouroboros tattoo, albeit the strangest one they had ever seen. It was the traditional dragon eating its tail with a Jewish Star in the middle, but in a circle around it were arrayed small drawings of the twelve members of the zodiac, including the cat…and a zebra. And it was all clustered inside a transmutation circle.

"Ahh! I could kill that doorbell!" screamed Azulcat. "It always rings! Just goes 'ding dong, ding dong,' I want to SHOOT it!"

Michelle wordlessly handed her an Uzi.

"Thank you!" Azulcat poured several rounds into the door. "Where'd you get an Uzi?"

Michelle shrugged. "Raided Butler's room, I've also got an assortment of knives and grenades if you want some."

Draye opened the door as Silver made sure that the door to the wine cellar was well and truly locked. (It wasn't, but she wasn't telling anyone!)

In the doorway stood a very scared-looking Al, with Izumi and Ed behind him, looking equally weirded-out. No surprise, really; a crazy teenager had just shot 36 bullets at the door in front of them.

"Um…hi?" said Azulcat sheepishly.

Izumi glared at her. (God, people, you have no idea how long I've been waiting to put in Izumi!)

"For God's sake, Mulch, how many times do I have to tell you that you do NOT have to come in from below anymore?"

"But Butler's going to attack me!" The three authors and the one author's best friend/ author-to-be grinned. Holly, Mulch, and Foaly had arrived.

I greeted them graciously. "Welcome, welcome, make yourselves at—WHO INVITED HER?" I seethed in anger. "WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING? Why do people keep inviting characters whose guts I DESPISE? First Ed, now Minerva…what is going on here?"

"Well…." muttered Michelle. "We thought Artemis needed someone to kiss at midnight."

"FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!" I shrieked. "Come ON, we are authors! We cannot afford to have pity! We use these characters to serve us! WE are in charge, not them! They are tormented, made fun of, and ultimately killed in several painful ways in numerous fanfictions! We are the deciders of their fate! WE rule their LIVES!" I announced, with a look on my face much akin to the one Kyo has in Fruits Basket Volume 3 when he announces that the endurance run is like a battle.

Michelle flicked my nose. "Deal with it."

I growled incoherently as the French teenager came in, acutely aware of my flagrantly flaring nostrils and doing her best to ignore them.

Murtagh came alone, or so we thought, because who should show up behind him but Nasuada?

"If they kiss at midnight, can I borrow the Uzi?" Silver muttered to Michelle.

"Same here but give me a grenade instead," I whispered.

"Emerald, you wouldn't kill Murtagh and you know it," said Michelle, annoyed.

"Nope, but I would kill Nasuada. Again I ask, who invited her?"

Draye giggled nervously. I drop-kicked her off the stairs.

"I do hope I'm not late…"

Draye, Silver and Azulcat blinked at looked at me questioningly. Michelle and I screamed a scream the likes of which have never before been heard on this earth.

"Grace, dear, what have you done to your hair? It's all blue! And Michelle, why is there a tattoo on you head? Why are the two of you screaming so loudly, for heaven's sake?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

Running as fast as we could, we slammed a door open and darted into Artemis's study. "Why the hell is Mr. Clancy here?" I whispered violently to Michelle. "How did he know we were here? Who invited him? Who told him to come here?"

"I don't know," whispered Michelle. "Just hope he doesn't start parsing 'amo, amare—"

"—amavi, amatus," I finished. "Don't you DARE start. I haven't gone through one of Mr. Clancy's Latin classes for 301 years; I'm not planning to any time soon."

She simply shuddered. "Okay. Our mission is clear. We must kill him!"

"Gee, ya think?"

"Okay, but let's make it an elaborate, painful and humiliating death!"

I groaned. "Aww, can't we just tie him to a rock and drop him off a cliff into a lake? I don't want to elaborately kill anyone. Not this chapter."

"Ugh, FINE!!! But next chapter…." Michelle waved her fist threateningly.

"Yes, I want to kill him as much as the next person. But still. I don't want to this chapter."

And without further ado, we marched out into the ballroom, grabbed Mr. Clancy, tied his feet to a boulder, and dropped him into a lake.

The doorbell rang again, and Azulcat started ranting again. By this time, the door had been reduced to a couple of planks of wood.

Shigure poked his head inside. "Am I to take that as a sign that we're not welcome here?"

"No, no, come in," said Michelle breezily, waving Shigure, Kyo, Uotani and Hanajima inside.

Draye poked me. "Since when do you like Fruits Basket?"

I pointed at Michelle. "Blame her."

Silver ran up to us with a look of (fake) worry on her face. "The characters have broken through the wine cellar! They've gotten through!"

Azulcat snorted. "Yeah, and if you actually locked the door I'm a fish. Come on, then: we can at least stop them from getting to the tequila."

As we passed, I heard Butler whispering to Artemis "Why is there tequila in the wine cellar?"

"There isn't," he replied, confused. "At least, there wasn't, last time I checked."

"Well there is now," said Draye. "Emerald put it there."

"Heh heh…" I laughed nervously. But then Azulcat ran screaming from downstairs.

"They've gone wild," she panted. "The characters have gone wild!"

"Oh shit!" Draye and I ran down to the ballroom to see for ourselves.

Utter chaos. It appears that Michelle and Azulcat had failed: The tequila hadn't been saved. Nor had the champagne, wine or vodka.

Silver and Michelle were clinging to the chandelier, sitting on it with no apparent intentions to come down. Izumi, Kyo and Uotani had taken over the DJ booth we'd rented. Hanajima was terrorizing Mulch and Nasuada, Ed was attempting to dance, so was Al; both were making total idiots of themselves. Everyone else…well let's just say that it was not a quiet room.

"Jesus Christ!" I swore upon seeing it all.

I launched myself off the balcony, quickly grew some wings, and joined the others on the chandelier.

"It's madness! Utter madness!" screamed Silver over the noise. "Why the hell do you insist on hosting these parties?"

"Because otherwise I spend all my time getting drunk! How would I know it would get so out of control? May I remind you that it was YOUR fault they got through to the alcohol in the first place?"

Michelle whispered in my ear. "Emerald! It's 11:50!"

"Oh shit oh shit oh shit…! What do we do?" whispered Azulcat fearfully.

"Well, we stay here," remarked Silver. "Unless of course we get hit in the face with something."

"A bit late for that," Draye grumbled as a stray champagne cork hit her nose.

"Michelle!" Silver got Michelle's attention. "I'm gonna need some help on this. Can you make some fireworks while Emerald steals some matches?"

Michelle nodded.

"Okay then. Get to it!"

Michelle clapped her hands and created several fireworks from a keg of wine we hauled up. "Why can _you_ do it without a circle?" I whined when both Michelle and Silver clapped their hands. "Because we're awesome like that," they replied.

"Jesus," I muttered. "Anyway, let's get to it!"

It was now 11:59, with 40 seconds to go. I lit the match. The fireworks were ready. The clock chimed.

"HAPPY NEW YEAR!" we screamed. The room exploded in a burst of multicolored sparks. It was all very pretty, and multicolored, and we smiled and congratulated ourselves on a plan well conceived.

However, everyone else was too drunk to notice.

Pissed off, we stormed away.


	7. OC Night

**HI…I'm actually writing a chapter…this is so fricken COOL!**

**Perhaps some clarification would be necessary. Remember in chapter um…I think it was 5, yeah, when Clio told Emerald and Michelle that in the next chapter after New Year's it would be OC night?**

**Well…its OC night.**

**My name is Lila Skywalker, and I'm a badass Jedi Padawan who also happens to be Emerald Tiara's first Original Character. SO…Emerald wanted me to write this chapter because she didn't want to come to the bar tonight. Too scared.**

**Chapter 7: OC night**

I looked around the door, ready for anything. Like I suspected, the bar was jammed with OCs ready for their free drinks. Slowly I walked in, fingering my lightsaber.

Just as well. Because who should appear next to me but Miranda, from _Ice Witch_?

"Hey Lila. How's it going?"

"Badly. Emerald is taking FOREVER to put up the next chapter. I'm stuck with Han Solo, would you believe it?"

"Tell me about it," Miranda sighed sympathetically. "I haven't been updated since November."

"Oh yeah?" Abrienda and Hadara from _Shur'tugalar Abr Zar'roc_ joined in. "We were put on hiatus from September to January."

We all winced. "Hello," said a girl cheerfully. "You're from Emerald Tiara's stories, am I right?"

"Who are you?" everyone else asked. We all blinked in unison.

"I'm Maylen. I'm from _Dragons and Phoenixes_, one of Azulcat's stories. And this is Kumar." The beautiful red bird next to her stared at us.

"Too…many…book characters," I muttered, wandering away. "Come on, where is everyone?"

A' Marie from _Skywalker Legacy_ joined me. Finally, another Star Wars character!

"Hey, if we were in the same stories, we would be sisters," she said suddenly.

"Cool! Then maybe we could annoy people and actually get away with it!" We talked for a few minutes, debating about the Force and stuff like that, when Tiv and Colac from _Mirrors of Memory 2 Reflections of Another Timeline_ came up to us.

Then, whaddaya know, we got into an argument about who was closest to the Dark Side.

"How could you have been worse than me? I was CREATED by the Sith to destroy the Jedi!" yelled Tiv.

"Yeah? Well I was _this close_ to crossing over. I tell you, Emerald wanted me to, but her dad managed to convince her it was a bad idea. But I was only two seconds away from joining."

"Argh! For the time being, you have won, but I will be back!" claimed Tiv. A' Marie just stood there and stared.

I walked off shaking my head. There was way too much arguing going on, so I decided that maybe the anime characters would be helpful. Luke said I needed to open up and make more friends, anyway.

"Um, hi?" I said nervously as Noki from _Dog Demon times 2_ and Kath Marcoh from _Red Blood_.

"What do YOU want?" Kath asked rudely.

"Yeah, you're not an anime character," said Noki.

"Look, I don't know, okay?" I sighed. "The other Star Wars characters were really annoying, and all of Emerald Tiara's other characters are book characters."

"Okay. Here, take some beer," said Kath with a shrug. I accepted without argument.

"Hey, look, something's going on over there," observed Noki.

She was right. All of Emerald and Draye's OCs were gathering. Miranda waved frantically to Kath and me to get our asses over there. We apologized to Noki and got up. I darted into the crowd and quickly found Eris, Darth Vader's apprentice, also from the _Silver Blade_ trilogy.

"Listen, characters!" declared Jadzia from _Shur'tugalar Abr Zar'roc_. "we all know what it's like to be put on hold. Raise your hands if your story has been neglected for ever three weeks."

Everyone raised their hands. "So what do we do about it?" cried Jadzia. "We rebel! Take over! Write the stories for ourselves!"

"Why you little bitch!" came a shocked gasp from behind us. There stood Draye and Emerald.

"How the hell did you get in?" screamed Ally, Draye's OC from _Full Metal Reborn_.

"Technicalities, my dear Ally. Emerald will explain." Draye smirked.

"You see, Saturnina is based off of my dear self in _Bothering Alagaesia_. So I was allowed to get in because the bouncers accepted that I was Saturnina. Draye got in because she is her own OC in _The Lost Tales of Demy God_."

"And now, for your insolence," fumed Draye, "none of you will get another say in your stories for a month! We were nice authors! We let you decide what would happen! Not anymore."

A collective 'shit' arose from the crowd. I grabbed Eris's hand and pulled her towards the door, hoping to escape notice.

"Not so fast, Lila Skywalker!" Emerald shrieked.

Damn.

**This chapter was dedicated to Draye.**


	8. Valentine's Day From Hell

**Chapter 8: Valentine's Day From Hell**

"Emerald! Open up!"

I sighed and ignored the pounding on my door. Why were they even here? Yes, it was Valentine's Day, and yes, it was the day we should have been pulling pranks at the bar, but still. If I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to talk.

"Emerald, we have an army out here. You can't stay in forever!"

Maybe if I ignored them long enough they would go away…

They went. I smiled happily and went back to my computer. That was when the sound of shattering glass broke through the serene quiet of my day.

"Holy shit!" I gasped, jumping up.

Lying at my feet next to a broken window were Draye, Silver, Azulcat, Michelle, and Sneha (HinduGoddess, she has one FMA story up…from now on she will simply be referred to as Goddess.

"Why?" asked Goddess.

"Hey, we all have weird names, so will you."

"Um…" Michelle raised a hand.

"Your name is too long."

"CALL ME SNEHA, DAMMIT!" And that settled that).

"Anyway, why didn't you talk to us, Emerald?" asked Draye.

"Me and my cosmopolitan here just wanted to spend the day moping in misery." I displayed the pink alcohol.

There was a collective 'ooh.' "Wow, Emerald," breathed Azulcat. "A Cosmo…"

We rushed to the kitchen. "Okay," shouted Sneha, "Who took all the vodka?"

A nervous giggle rang out. "YOU!" I screamed. Zafe ducked as a cocktail glass hit the wall where his head was.

"Zafe, what are you doing here?" asked Draye.

"Well, you weren't home so I figured you would be here."

"Who…?"

"Oh, Zafe is my cousin," Draye explained to Michelle and Sneha. "Anyway, where's the chocolate?"

"You shall never have my chocolate!" I screamed, blocking the pantry door.

"I beg to differ!" screamed a hyper Wrath, diving into my stomach and effectively getting me out of the way.

"Where did you come from?"

"Where do we ever come from?" asked Anakin as he and a storm of characters appeared in my house. He didn't wait for a reply, instead grabbing Draye and dragging her off somewhere.

The authors blinked at each other. "What should we do?" asked Silver, nervously eyeing the characters that were crowded around the chocolate.

"What else," said Hilaria heroically, "than rescue our dear friend Draye?"

"…" was the response.

"Nah, let's go eat chocolate," suggested Azulcat.

"YEAH!"

"But can we finish our Cosmos first?" whined Zafe. "I need to get Draye drunk so I can blackmail her."

"You," stated Sneha, "obviously do not know your cousin as well as you pretend. Draye getting drunk is an almost daily occurrence. And if you want to get her drunk, find her first."

"Okay! Let's go find Draye!" said Silver.

We marched off. On the way, we were stopped by Izumi and Envy.

"Will you help us sacrifice Ed?" they wanted to know.

"Sacrifice him to WHAT?" asked Azulcat.

"The Valentine's Day devil!" said Gluttony. "He breaks couples up and then he takes their chocolate! We want to stop him!"

Collective 'ooh.'

"Gluttony has a girlfriend, Gluttony has a girlfriend…" we sang.

I blinked. "Doesn't the V-Day devil only like burnt offerings?" They nodded. "You lit a fire in my _house?_" They nodded again. "Here, take Zafe instead," I said brightly.

They nodded thoughtfully. "Taking one so close to an author might work," said Izumi.

"What? No! Why me?" Zafe protested as he was taken away and strung up over the bonfire.

We found Anakin in a closet. Draye was blindfolded and screaming bloody murder. "He tried to rape me!!"

"What? Dude, that's illegal," said Michelle. "On two counts! One, she's a minor—"

"IN WHAT UNIVERSE?" screamed Draye.

"—and two, you're married, making it adultery," she continued. Anakin punched her in the face and started kissing Draye.

"Bastard!" she screamed.

"Oh no you DIDN'T," gasped Michelle. She immediately kicked Anakin where it hurt. He doubled over in pain, muttering a storm of curses. Draye stood on top of him and jumped up and down. In moments he was out cold.

"Serves him right," stated Azulcat.

I looked around. "Yo, Eragon! Get the fuck out of my room!" Eragon was standing in the doorway of my room, talking to someone. Rather, he was begging.

"Please, Arya! Please!"

"No, Eragon! I will not go on a date with you!"

Poking my head in, I assessed the situation: Arya was in the middle of the room, furious. Eragon was futilely attempting to become her boyfriend.

"OUT—OF—MY—ROOM!"

Arya stepped on Eragon's foot as she stomped out. Eragon ambled after her.

"Hey, what'd you do with Zafe?" asked Draye.

"Sacrificed him to the V-Day devil," replied Sneha. "Emerald, can we finish making our Cosmos yet?"

"No…the kitchen is swamped with Naruto characters, and I'm sure none of you have any desire to meet a certain sugar-high, orange-clad ninja."

Silver shuddered.

**Yeah…I don't really have a reason why I screwed up and didn't put this up on time. I totally forgot, until Draye was like, don't you have to put up Valentine's Day? And I was like, shit, so here it is. But then I was in Cancun and I was scrounging for Internet access there (the hotel made you pay) so I could only put this up now. I mean, I still had to write the darn thing!**

**The Anakin scene comes from chapter two, when Anakin winks at Draye. The whole thing was her idea.**

**Zafe is Draye's cousin, he and I have a he-wants-to-be-friends-I-want-to-be-enemies relationship. It's much too fun to argue with him to be friends. His account on here is 'fullmetal jounin,' but don't read his stuff, he has one story with one chapter that he hasn't updated since he posted it in October. HEAR THAT, ZAFE? UPDATE, DAMMIT!**

**Michelle is HughesHanajimaHilariaHypocrite which is much too long, so we all call her HHHH of just Michelle.**

**If you don't know what a cosmopolitan is, you suck.**

**Azulcat: Well, of course they were in there! It was OC night!**

**Draye: "I have done nothing to be thanked for this night." That's a line from some movie or a book, I forget which.**

**HHHH: stuff it; she can be in the next one.**

**COMING UP NEXT—THE OC'S ARE PUNISHED!**


	9. Trial and Error

**What does an author do when she has nothing else to do? Why, she sits around and procrastinates! And then she writes. But only after procrastinating.**

**Chapter 9: Trial and Error**

We find ourselves in the bar, yet again. Seated in a row behind the bar, facing the rest of the room, are the judges: Draye, Azulcat, Silver, and I.

The jury: Night Alchemist, Michelle and Sneha sat at another table on the side.

In front of us stood, handcuffed, bunched into a group and boxed in by tables, the accused: Abrienda, Hadara, Jadzia, Miranda Icewitch, Queen Riza, Lila Skywalker, Darth Eris, Drayna, Traj, Drake, Demy God, Kath Marcoh, Evin, Ally Elric, Akuma of the Desert, Ray Black, Apollo Atala, Katana, and Maylen.

Zafe also huddled there. He had one Naruto story, The Other Uchiha Brother, and he was the only character in it so far.

The charges: conspiracy of usurpation.

A low buzz of conversation ran through the bar. "Okay, okay, settle down," said Draye imperiously.

"You have been brought here on the charges of plotting to destroy us, the authors, and also of trying to write the stories for yourselves. Who would like to speak in defense?"

Zafe raised his hand. "Why am I in here?"

"Hmm," said Draye, looking over his file.

**Author File**

**Name**: Zafe  
**Gender:** Male  
**Stories**: The Other Uchiha Brother  
**Fandom:** Naruto  
**OCs**: Devon, brother of Sasuke  
**Since:** October 14, 2006

"I think Emerald would like to answer your question."

"Thank you." I accepted the file. "Zafe, you are aware that you have only one Original Character, are you not?"

"I am."

"And his name is Devon, is it not?"

"It is."

"And before Draye renamed you Zafe, you were known as Devon, am I correct?"

"You are."

"I think it is perfectly obvious why you are here, do you agree?" I raised my eyebrows. "You are an Original Character, and you were in the bar on the night of January 20, 2006, talking to the accused, and so you are a suspected accomplice."

"But…but…but…"

"Face it, Zafe," called out Draye, "you're the only OC in the only chapter of your only story. And we just don't like you."

"We call forth the witnesses," announced Azulcat. "Hilaria, from _Bothering Alagaesia_, step forth."

Hilaria walked up, flickering in and out of existence, seeing as how she was Michelle. Draye handed her a Torah and placed her hand on it. "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you Clio?"

"No, but I will anyway." We stood back to let her reach her chair. "What do you remember about that night?"

"Well, a flyer had gone around the previous week, saying that all OCs could come out of the dark, so to speak, and come to a bar for once. So I went. I myself am completely loyal, because I have never been put on hiatus or ignored for a ridiculous amount of time."

"Yeah, cuz Michelle would kill me if I did," I muttered.

"Anyway, I got there at about 9 pm. It wasn't all that great, particularly since I don't especially like beer, but it was fun to meet the other characters. Then at around 10:30, Jadzia from _Shur'tugalar Abr Zar'roc_ gathered everyone around and started preaching the evils of letting authors ignore you. Then you know what happened."

"Thank you Hilaria, you may step down," sighed Silver.

"Hey, I got a question," chimed Sneha. "How come I'm only on the jury?"

"You don't have any OCs."

"Yeah I do, there's you, and Michelle…"

"Yes," I interrupted, "but we are neither renamed nor original."

We interrupt this chapter to bring you an important announcement: read _The Bet_ by HinduGoddess to find out just what the hell we're talking about!

"And now, the culprit," announced Azulcat. "Rider Jadzia, step forward."

Jadzia walked toward us, all putting on our sternest faces. "What have you to say in your defense?" I asked coldly.

"I was just trying to help…"

"Were you really seeking good, or just seeking attention?" asked Draye.

"Is that all good deeds are when looked at with an ice-cold eye?" remarked Michelle.

Hilaria grinned. "If that's all good deeds are, then maybe that's the reason why—"

"Alright, alright, enough with the Wicked. I happen to love the show myself, but still," I moaned.

"Fine," growled Silver. "Jadzia, why did you go to the bar?"

"I wanted to go out that night, and it was OC night, so I went."

"In the evening, I've got to roam, can't sleep in the city of neon and chrome…" sang Sneha under her breath.

"Can we PLEASE stop singing now? We are having a trial! We can't be singing!" I shouted.

"Not my fault. You're the one who went with me to see Rent today," mumbled Sneha.

"Right. Jadzia, we'll deal with you later. I want to hear from the suspected accomplices," cut in Azulcat. "Zafe!"

He came forward rolling his eyes. "What now?"

"Shut up, you know why you're here. Write something else if you want to get out of this in the future," I said.

"God hates me…" he moaned.

"Life's a piece of shit when you look at it, life's a laugh and death's a joke its true—" muttered Michelle.

"Look, when I say stop singing, I mean Spamalot, too," I groaned. "One more time and I swear I will kill you guys."

"Well now he's dead, you whacked him on the head, sure now he's dead…" started Hilaria.

"Oh God," I buried my face in my hands.

"God? He is ze biggest bitch of zem all," said Draye with a smile.

"Um, Emerald?" asked Night Alchemist from where she had been sitting very quietly. "I think you've lost the battle."

"Fine, fine," I sighed. "Everyone, write down the name of a play on a slip of paper."

The OCs looked at me in horror; they knew where this was going. OCs positively HATED seeing plays. They served only to remind them of their utter made-up-ness.

"Let's see, that's 3 for Rent, 1 for Spamalot, 1 for Wicked, and 1 for the South Park Movie," I murmured, looking at the papers. "You know South Park isn't a play, right?"

"Hey, the movie's a musical," shrugged Draye.

"Ah, good point. Okay, all OCs are hereby sentenced to watch the South Park movie. Case dismissed."

**Wow that was a really bad chapter. Before I leave, I would like to make one last joyous announcement: MR CLANCY'S RETIRING!!!! YIPPIE!**

**And yes, Sneha and Michelle and I and one of our other friends went to see Rent today. I liked the movie better.**


	10. Passover from Hell

**Happy Passover, bitches. Happy no-bread week. The only good thing about Passover is the charoset and the wine. And my grandma's awesome matzo-ball soup, which I wont even be having this year, because we booked our flight a couple days late, so instead im having the Seder at Draye's house.**

**Note: this is all based on—not a retelling of, but based on—true events that happened tonight at Draye's house during the Seder.**

**Chapter 10: Passover from Hell**

"Bwahahahaha!" Draye and her friend Silver Bat laughed. We had Zafe in the computer chair and were attempting to brush his hair. We were at Draye's house for the Seder.

"But now we need to go downstairs," I reminded everyone. "So, what are you waiting for? Wine awaits!"

"Shut up! We still have 5 minutes!" yelled Draye. Zafe had escaped and we were trying to hold him down. "Emerald! Now!"

I sighed and stepped on Zafe. "You know your name rhymes with ass, right?"

He rolled out and gave me the finger. "Time to go down."

We sat at the table. "Draye," said Bat in a murderous voice, "where is the wine?"

Draye cringed. "We're going to try to have a _cough_--I can't believe I'm saying this—sober Passover, so we have grape juice instead."

I shrugged as Bat seethed. "Give me any liquid that is not water, I can guarantee that I will get drunk. Or at least it'll have the same effect."

And, since Draye was an idiot, we had the 'family' version of the Haggadah. "And when the Israelites were slaves in Egypt, there were children just like you who weren't allowed to sing and skip and play yada yada yada…Draye what is this bullshit?" I raised my eyebrows.

"Um. It's the Haggadah. Family version. Okay," said Draye, reading ahead, "Now we have to dip our fingers in the, um, grape juice, and put ten drops on our plates to represent blood."

Bat stared at us. She and Zafe were not Jewish.

"Egypt! It's a land of sweets and joy and…joyness…" Bat said in a high-pitched whisper.

"Welcome to the world of the Jewish." Draye clapped her on the shoulder. "Oww! Fuck! Stop stepping on my foot!" She glared at Zafe. "Now we have to…march around in a circle to represent going out of Egypt."

"Can we not? And I think I wanna use the normal Haggadah now," I sighed.

"Egypt! It's a land of sweets and joy and…joyness…" Bat said in a high-pitched whisper.

"Argh! Stop quoting Charlie the Unicorn!" I clapped my hands over my ears.

"Okay, technically at 279, Zafe is the youngest, so he _would_ have to say the Four Questions," remarked Draye.

"What?" Zafe looked panicked. "I can't read Hebrew!"

"Hum. Lets skip those." I threw the page aside.

Bat just sat there giggling and looking confused.

"Can we just hurry up and eat the charoset already?" whined Draye.

"No, because now we have to do the toast thingy," I reminded her.

"Hey, let's sing the fiddler on the roof song," suggested Bat.

"To life, to life, l'chiam, l'chiam l'chiam, to life, something to think about, something to drink about, drink l'chiam to life!" I looked around. "Am I the only one who knows the actual words?"

"Probably."

"Dear God, do we seriously have to eat this?" Draye looked at the Haggadah and looked back at the horseradish sitting on her plate.

"Yep. Let's go!"

We apprehensively put the horseradish in our mouths. In three seconds flat we had raced to the bathroom and were busily scrubbing our mouths out.

Back at the table again. I grabbed the bottle of grape juice and poured. Zafe held out his glass. "No way am I pouring for you," I retorted.

"Can I eat this stuff yet?" he picked up his parsley.

"No, but we're gonna do that next—" too late. Zafe had already eaten his parsley.

"You do realize that if you had waited about thirteen seconds you could've eaten that?" asked Bat.

"Shut up, I'm impatient."

"Okay…" Draye read. "WewillnowopenthedoortowelcomeintheprophetElijah…" Bat rolled her eyes. "Think you can read that a little faster?"

Draye shrugged and opened the door. "IT'S BARNEY!" she screamed.

Everyone else emitted a high-pitched shriek. "Just kidding," smiled Draye.

We heard a snore from Zafe's end. He had fallen asleep. Bat looked at Draye. "Can I…?"

"Be my guest." Draye smiled serenely.

Bat grabbed her bowl of matzah-ball soup and poured it on his head. The hot soup ran down his mouth and he started choking, and then he passed out a second later.

"And what did that accomplish?" I asked.

"Nothing, but it was fun."

"Okay, now that we've effectively skipped over most of the Seder, let's eat!" cried Draye.

"Sorry." Bat and I had gotten impatient and eaten already.

"Fine. Let's find the Afikomen!" she yelled!

"Not so loud, not so loud…" I whacked her.

"Find the afikomen, Charlie! Find the afikomen!" said Bat in the same high-pitched voice.

"This is really stupid," groaned Zafe, who had woken up by now.

"Shun the nonbeliever! Shun!" whispered Draye in The Voice.

"OH yeah! Boom! Who's good!" I crawled out from under the couch clutching the afikomen. "Hey, wait, this is chocolate matzah!"

"Yeah. Let's eat it." Draye smiled secretively.

"Hmm…okay, something is seriously wrong with this chocolate," I mumbled, crumbs spraying.

"Yeah, I mixed blood pudding in it!"

We rushed to the bathroom again, leaving a cackling Draye behind.

"Yo! Look what I found!" shouted Bat from the kitchen. She brought froth a whole bowl of charoset.

"YAY!" I screamed.

As we ate, Draye was playing with one of those sticky-hand things. It swung around and knocked over Bat's glass. She grabbed the hand and started bitch-slapping Draye with it.

I laughed. And kept laughing. And I wouldn't stop.

"Um, Emerald?" asked Draye nervously. "How much grape juice did you drink?"

"Five glasses," I choked. "Why?"

"I spiked it with wine!" she wailed.

**If you people have never seen Charlie the Unicorn, you have missed out. Watch it on youtube.**


	11. Out of Boredom Comes Nothing, Really

**Oh so bored…**

**Chapter 11: Out of Boredom Comes…Nothing, Really**

"It seems this bar has hit an all-time low," observed Bat.

'Twas the night before…well, nothing in particular. But for some stupid reason the bar was jammed with Naruto characters. Stupid. Didn't anyone think what would happen if Lee got a drink?

"That always happens," I commented. "Lee gets his drink confused with someone else's alcohol. They should know by now not to drink around him." We watched him tear up the bar from across the street.

Finally, Sakura got pissed and knocked him out. A hundred different Narutos began rebuilding the bar.

We tried to enter, but Jiraiya stopped us. "Only Naruto characters tonight."

I shrugged and turned into Temari. Bat whipped out a Sunagakure forehead protector. Jiraiya rolled his eyes and let us in.

"O-kay then." Once inside I turned back into myself. Good thing, too. The real Temari was looking at me weird.

"What are we doing here, anyway?" asked Bat.

"I don't know. But whatever it is we're doing, it should be fun."

Bat and I started wandering around the packed bar. As we passed Shikamaru Nara I discreetly slipped an ice cube down his back and edged away. He turned around and started yelling at Tenten, who happened to be behind him. She grabbed a scroll and summoned a large shuriken. Shikamaru ducked and it banged the nearby Tsunade on the head, thankfully not cutting her.

Tsunade charged, and Sasuke Uchiha, who was in the way, was trampled. He fell onto Gaara's sand, which rose to protect Gaara. The Jinchuriki turned around and tripped over Tonton, who was chasing Gamakichi. Gaara fell onto Hinata Hyuga, who blushed madly and ran away, so Gaara continued his fall and eventually landed on Neji Hyuga, who in turn stepped on Ino Yamanaka's foot. She punched him, missed, and landed the hit on Sakura Haruno.

"Ino-pig!" Sakura screamed. They glared at each other until Choji Akimichi bumped into Sakura, who fell and accidentally poked Konohamaru in the eye.

A fight erupted in the bar. Bat and I found ourselves in the thick of it, back to back. I punched Kankuro in the jaw, blocked a hit from Kakashi, and kicked Haku in the knee. Bat dodged Shizune, Itachi, and Shino, and elbowed Kimimaro in the stomach. Sasuke rolled his eyes at the stupidity of everyone else and prepared to burn them all to ashes, but Deidara pushed him and the fireball hit the floor.

In seconds the bar went up in flames.

"Dammit, Sasuke!" yelled Bat as we stood outside and watched it burn. "Why did you do that?"

"Cuz he's an idiot," muttered Naruto. Sakura slapped him on the head.

I glared at her. "MINE! SASUKE MINE!"

"In your dreams," muttered Ino as she pushed by me.

The Naruto characters migrated off. Bat looked at me. "So what do we do now?"

"Um, I don't know."

"Aren't you helpful."

"Huh. Can we go hold up a Starbucks?" I mumbled.

"What, are you kidding me?" Bat stared at me.

"No. DUCK!" I roared as a goose with an exploding tag soared by. It banged into a nearby brick wall and exploded.

"Who would kill an innocent goose?" I muttered as Bat and I headed in the direction of the nearest Starbucks.

"Yo, can I get a Venti no-whip Double Chocolate Chip Frappuchino?"

"Hey Emerald."

I looked at the person behind the register. "WTF! DRAYE! Since when do you work here?"

"Since Demy made me get a job, yo Bat whaddaya want?"

"I don't know…" Bat's face changed from confusion to delight as Draye held up a box of Pocky Sticks. "MINE!"

We grabbed a chair, managing to snag the comfy cushioned ones. "You should've brought the Ouija board, Bat," remarked Draye.

"What, and listed to Demy bitch about random things and then not shut up?"

"Oh yeah…"

**Bwahahahaha. That actually happened, Bat brought her Ouija board to Draye's house and we talked to this spirit named George, who was kinda mean, then Demy came, and she wouldn't shut up. And then we got high off scented pencils. and I put like 10 spoons of sugar in my tea.**

**Next up: Mother's Day!!**


	12. Mother's Day, Enough Said

**Hah! Thought I would forget Mother's Day? Not I, the author of Bar Stories: What the Hell Just Happened?**

**Chapter 12: Mother's Day, Enough Said**

They lined up in front of the bar, in a straight line four across. One slightly amused, one on the verge of laughter, one with her mouth set in a firm disapproving line, one with her eyes narrowed.

They were…the Mothers. They had come to see what their daughters were doing, and said daughters knew it.

So they ran like hell. To the bar. Where the Daughters then fell straight into the trap.

"Do you think we lost them?" hissed Michelle, who has just informed the author that her name is in fact Hilaria (in this story anyway).

"What?" yelled Sneha. "I can't hear you over the noise!"

Mother's Day, the bane of all authors and characters. Naturally, the bar was packed with characters either greeting or beating the crap out of their mothers.

We, however, were cowering behind the bar in fear of our own mothers. Perhaps a description would be helpful…or not…:

Demy God: Mother of Draye and Bat through different fathers. Likes beer, having fun and being annoying, and yelling at bat while pretending not to have child favoritism. It's so obvious. Controls lightning. A demon, and the First living being.

Nora Thunder: Mother of…me. Emerald. Likes beer and being annoying, and having fun. Killed my dad (I dunno the circumstances yet. Oh wait…it was cuz Dad sold the only poison that can kill demons to hunters). We don't speak, except to annoy each other. An expert in poisons, and seeing as how we lived together for 250-ish years, im pretty good myself. Also a demon and the Third living being.

Elizabeth H. W. Sesterces: Mother of Hilaria. Affectionately called Liz by Demy and Nora, even though she hates it. A stuck-up, snobby conservative who strongly disapproves of drinking. Has a soft spot for earthworms. Human.

Durga Goddess: Mother of Sneha. Likes having a good time, not as annoying as everyone else. As I have just been informed, she is…uh; an Elemental Guardian of Fire, which means, uh, that she can control fire? I don't know. She mainly uses her power to keep us in line, but she can do a lot of other stuff too.

Oh, and Sneha wants me to say that she (Sneha) is an Elemental Guardian of Air and Water, which means she can control that shit.

So! Back to the chapter.

"I don't think they're here," Bat whispered. "They'd never come in here…"

"Are you kidding? Demy and Nora definitely would!" hissed Draye.

"My mom never would," chuckled Hilaria.

"Mine would, she just wouldn't stay very long," muttered Sneha glumly.

"She would if Demy and Nora made her," I murmured.

"Who would?" said a pleasant voice from above.

The five of us turned around…very…slowly.

And there they stood. Nora and Demy were standing back to back with their arms crossed and a couple of mischievous smiles on their faces. Elizabeth had a very stern expression on her face and her hands on her hips. Durga was casually tossing a fireball in her hands.

"OH, _SHIT!!_"

An hour later found the nine of us seated around a table.

At a tea party.

Enough said.

"Hilaria," said Elizabeth sharply, "sit up straight. Get your elbows off the table! Act like a civilized person!"

"Liz, couldn't we just go with our original plan and incinerate them?" whined Nora.

"No. And don't call me that!"

"So. Emerald. How're things?" Nora asked after rolling her eyes and making a face at the back of Elizabeth's head.

"So. Nora. Killed anyone lately?"

"Oh god, here they go again," Bat, Draye, Sneha and Hilaria sighed in unison.

"You wanted to _incinerate_ us?" Draye asked Nora incredulously.

"Hey, don't look at me. It was Demy's idea."

Bat glanced at Demy. She looked up and shrugged.

"Oh, come on," interrupted Durga. "It's not like I would have killed you or anything." She smiled.

Hilaria looked at Sneha. Sneha glanced at Draye. Draye kicked Bat under the table. Bat poked me.

As one we jumped up and darted for the door. "Oh no you don't!" roared Elizabeth. At her signal Durga clenched her fists and opened them again. A large wall of fire crackled into life in front of the door. Nora and Demy both appeared in from of the fire with knives in their hands.

"Jeez, you'd think we were prisoners or something!" muttered Sneha.

"You are, until you answer this: WHY THE HELL WEREN'T WE INVITED TO THE SEDER?" shrieked Demy.

"Um, cuz you wouldn't have come if you had been invited?"

"Christ," muttered Hilaria under her breath.

"Don't you dare use that kind of language at the table, young lady!"

I sang to myself in my head. _Well, Hilaria's mom's a bitch she's a big fat bitch she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world…_

I suddenly felt myself pulled upwards. "Huh?"

Hilaria clamped her hand over my mouth. I licked it and she let go.

"We're up in the ceiling," whispered Bat. I looked down. There, talking to our moms, were…us? What the hell?

"Air plus water equals clouds," whispered Draye. "Sneha made cloud clones."

"Alright, what's our game plan?"

"Well, put together, our combined powers are camouflage, heat, water, air, more water, immortality, poison, and animals."

"What can we do with that?"

Hilaria sat down in a position that much resembled Shikamaru when he was thinking. "I got it!"

In a few minutes we were all seated, the clouds had been sent on to greener pastures, and I had a pack of liquefied Rodendrum in my hand.

Sneha twiddled her fingers. The liquid rose in microscopic droplets over the table and dropped into our mothers' cups.

Unbeknownst to most of the world, Rhododendron can cause burning of the mouth, numbness, diarrhea, nausea, vomiting, and muscle weakness. It can also have a hallucinogenic effect.

And I have upwards of five bushes in my front lawn. Aren't I smart?

Anyway, within five minutes all the adults had ingested it. And soon, they started feeling the effects.

Demy shot a look in my direction. "Alright, little miss poison expert, what did you do?"

"Hmm? Why are you so sure it wasn't Nora? She's the one who goes around killing people."

"That is IT, you little—" Nora charged with a knife that was coated in poison. I dodged, and she tripped.

"Anyway, your poisons won't work on me. You were too lazy to make up antidotes, but what do you think I was doing when you sent me to my room?"

Demy rose very quickly, but stumbled and grabbed the table for support. "I can't really move…what did you use?"

"Rhododendron…" gasped Nora from the floor. "It causes muscle weakness…"

"EARTHWORMS!!" shouted Elizabeth.

"…hallucinations…"

Durga grabbed her stomach.

"…and nausea…dammit, why did I teach you all this?" Nora wailed.

We raced for the door. Durga narrowed her eyes and twitched her fingers. A fireball bloomed and would have burned us, but Bat chose that moment to go vampire. Her fangs lengthened, and she sent a wave of water douse the fire. Nora sent a cloud of poison gas at us, and Hilaria breathed in some of it, but she immediately regenerated her damaged organs.

"We're outta here, see ya later!!"

**Don't worry, they won't die. Demy and Bat still need to bond. Heh.**


	13. I Will Punch Zafe into another Dimension

**Well, I had another chapter that was supposed to be this one but then something very amusing happened and I decided to put that one on hold.**

**Chapter 13: I Will Punch Zafe into another Dimension**

_DrayeVampire has signed on_

_DrivingYouBatty has signed on_

_BadassTiara has signed on_

_StrawberryKurosaki has signed on_

**BadassTiara:** hey guys

**DrivingYouBatty:** hey emerald

**StrawberryKurosaki:** hi

**DrayeVampire:** oh wait, ur from bleach arent u

**StrawberryKurosaki:** yeah

**DrayeVampire:** emerald did you actually do it?

**BadassTiara: **yah, I wonder if hell notice

_ObnoxiousZafeAss has signed on_

**ObnoxiousZafeAss:** hi

**ObnoxiousZafeAss:** o shit wtf did u bitches do to my fukin screen name??!!

**DrivingYouBatty:** he noticed…

**BadassTiara:** admit it dude it's a lot better than ur old one

**DrayeVampire:** wat was the old one?

**ObnoxiousZafeAss:** it was IAmSoSmexy! whyd u change it

**DrivingYouBatty** cuz ur not smexy

**StrawberryKurosaki:** I think ill just leave now….

_StrawberryKurosaki has signed off_

**ObnoxiousZafeAss: **bitch ur pissing me off

**BadassTiara:** now now zafe stop using no-no words or ur gonna get a time out

**ObnoxiousZafeAss:** shitfuckdammitbitchasshole

**BadassTiara:** be a god boy or you'll have a time out

**ObnoxiousZafeAss:** ……okay is that in a u want sex way of r u just being a bitch

**BadassTiara**: …you say that again and I will punch you into another dimension.

**DrivingYouBatty: **children, children!

**DrayeVampire:** I would luv to see how this plays out but I really g2g guys

_DrayeVampire has signed off_

**DrivingYouBatty:** zafe stop hitting on emerald

**ObnoxiousZafeAss: **WTF??!! EXCUSE ME??!

**BadassTiara:** notice how he doesn't deny it

**BadassTiara:** im warning u dude im way outa ur league

**ObnoxiousZafeAss:** no im outa UR league

**BadassTiara:** hah!

_The previous message was not received by ObnoxiousZafeAss because of error: User ObnoxiousZafeAss is not available._

**DrivingYouBatty:** emerald…I think he signed off!!

**BadassTiara:** omg he did! im gonna KILL him!

**DrivingYouBatty:** cut him out of bar stories. make him not a member of the mps

**BadassTiara:** wat we cant do that!!!!

**DrivingYouBatty: **y not?

**BadassTiara:** we…we…we…w-w-we just cant!

**DrivingYouBatty:** Draye can

**BadassTiara:** omg bat I am rotflmao now

**DrivingYouBatty: **??

**BadassTiara: **this is like in movies when they all 'we cant do that!' and then we look at each other and say 'but Draye can'

**BadassTiara:** it like shes the ultimate power now, do we have 2 bow down now?

**DrivingYouBatty:** lol

_SmexyZafe has signed on_

**DrivingYouBatty:** oh god not this again. Listen to me! UR NOT SMEXY!

**SmexyZafe: **whatev. I realized somethin

**BadassTiara:** wow! a breakthru!

**SmexyZafe:** stfu! anyway, unless we invite more characters this doesn't count as fanfic

**DrivingYouBatty: **yea it is, we all characters in a book

**SmexyZafe:** unpublished book. book that nobody has heard of but us. book that currently is two chapters on a computer.

**BadassTiara: **still counts

**SmexyZafe: **then tell Draye to get off her ass and finish it!

**DrivingYouBatty:** u do it ur her cousin!

**BadassTiara:** thats it, your out of mps.

**SmexyZafe: **what? no!!

_SmexyZafe has signed off_

**DrivingYouBatty:** wait was he ever actually hazed? cuz if no then he not a member

**BadassTiara: **yeah it was in drayes bs chapter 12

**DrivingYouBatty**: damn.

**Note: this chapter was based on actual events. Bat and I were having separate convos with Zafe when he signed off. Or he might have blocked us. He is so dead. we are currently petitioning Draye to kick him out of the Mythical Psychopath Society.**

**Next time: father's day! Zafe tries to throw my children off a cliff!**


	14. Father's Day, Shoot Me Now

**Vail—note: Emerald was not actually here for this, shes just repeating what happened, as retold from her loving hubby myself!**

**Emerald—VAIL! GET OUT OF MY AUTHOR'S NOTE!!!**

**Vail—but-but-but—oh shit no honey put down the sword please don't kill me WHAT'LL YOU TELL THE KIDS AWW NOOO!!**

**Emerald: much as I hate to admit it, he's right and I wasn't there, I'm just typing in what he told me. A lot of this is probably made up, but who am I to disagree?**

**Vail—moans in bloody heap on floor**

**Chapter 14: Father's Day…Shoot Me Now**

At the bar

There was silence.

Draye, Hilaria and I sat at a table. It turned out Hilaria was actually my sister, adopted by Elizabeth when she was little, but now we know.

"Do you think the kids have killed them yet?" she asked, breaking the silence.

"Probably." I shrugged noncommittally and sipped out of my mug.

"Remind me why we aren't there but Bat is?" Draye wondered.

"Your father was killed by my husband who is…oh crap, he's out there with my kids…and my and Hilaria's father was killed by our mother. Bat is there because her father is still alive."

Yeah, I think in this chapter an explanation really is necessary.

See, Demy is Bat's and Draye's mother through different fathers, Eric and Marquis. Eric was killed by Vail, Draye's brother, when he was possessed Vail also killed his twin brother Yos. Vail and I had two children…and I actually never leave him alone with them…oh well. Draye had twins with Trey, and Zafe had children with Kath, who is dead, and Marquis, Vail, Trey and Zafe are out there…on a hike…with their children, for Father's Day.

Draye's children, Nelly and Dante, are 15-year-old twins. Nelly, the girl, reads too much and is trigger-happy, while Dante, the boy, is loud, obnoxious, and blood-lustful. Nobody really knows what species they are, but they live off demon blood.

My children are Erah and Rayna. Erah is 11, a girl, and a Shape-Shifter who cuts. Don't get me wrong, she's not emo, she like the sight of blood. Rayna is 7, a girl, not a Shape-Shifter but amazing with my rapiers, and she bites herself to see the blood come out. Creepy, my children.

Demy and Marquis' daughter, Bat, we have already met.

Zafe's son, Kasai, I don't actually know that much about. I only know that Kasai might mean 'fire' in Japanese. Oh, and his hair is blonde-ish with red tips, and he can control fire.

"Fifteen bucks says Vail and Bat team up on Zafe," I commented.

"Deal."

On the mountain

"Okay kids, let's get hiking!" Trey cheerfully shouted.

"Dad?" Nelly said.

"Yeah?"

"Shut up."

Vail rolled his eyes. _I don't actually know what they were THINKING, letting us alone with the kids. Half of us will probably end up dead._

"Oh my god I feel old I feel old I feel old…" Bat sat among the rocks curled up in a little ball rocking back and forth.

"Come on Bat, that just means you're special," Marquis said. "It means out of all your friends you're the only one whose father hasn't died yet."

Erah and Rayna were behind a tree whispering.

"Did you bring the TNT?" hissed Rayna.

"Yes, yes, yes, did you bring the knives and the poison?" Erah rolled her eyes.

"Yeah. Now, as long as Kasai remembered the thumbtacks and Nelly and Dante brought the nail polish, we'll be okay."

"Hey, kids, what're you planning?" called Vail suspiciously.

"Nothing, Daddy!" they laughed in unison.

Zafe rubbed the back of his head. "Vail, I think I should warn you. I just found 30 thumbtacks in Kasai's bag, and you know how our children plot together. You might want to look through their stuff."

Trey looked at the sky. "God, we're such fathers. I feel so responsible."

"Draye would shoot you if she heard that," chuckled Marquis.

At the bar

Draye sneezed. "Someone's talking about me," she muttered murderously.

Back on the mountain

The kids raced off up the trail. "No! Wait! Come back!" yelled Vail.

"Bribe 'em," suggested Bat. "And when that doesn't work, offer to teach them how to pull out a small intestine through the mouth."

"OY, KIDS!" shouted Trey. "WANNA LEARN HOW TO REMOVE THE SMALL INTESTINE?"

In less time then he could blink the children were sitting in front of him in a semicircle.

"Uh, you were kinda supposed to use the money first…"

"I have a better idea," said Zafe. "Hey kids, wanna learn how to fly?" And with that he twitched his fingers and the children, Bat included, soared off the cliff and hurtled over the edge.

Zafe cackled and clenched his fist. In a rush of wind the children and Bat landed on the ground next to their fathers.

"YOU—STUPID—BASTARD!" screeched Bat, and she proceeded to beat the shit out of him.

"You IDIOT!" shouted Vail. "How could you DO that to my daughters?" He drew his sword and began hacking at Zafe's arm.

Trey grabbed Vail and held him back; Marquis did the same to Bat. "Whoa, guys, hold on a sec! You can't kill Zafe; he's my cousin-in-law, Bat's cousin, Vail's cousin, Marquis' nephew, Erah, Rayna, Nelly and Dante's uncle, Draye's cousin, and Emerald and Hilaria's cousin-in-law!"

Bat looked at him. "And all of that pales in total comparison to the fact the he THREW ME OFF A CLIFF."

"Ah. I see," commented Marquis. "Well in that case I guess I'll just have to assist you in chopping off his arm."

"Oh, wait a sec, where're the kids?" cried Trey in panic.

"CRAP!!" the word rang through the mountain.

Kasai stifled a giggle as he took out the many thumbtacks that had escaped Zafe's search.

"What's the plan again?" asked Dante.

Nelly whapped him on the head. "We're gonna wrap the knives and thumbtacks and poison and nail polish around the TNT. Then we will ask our fathers for candy and computer privileges. If they say no, we blow the mountain up and splatter it purple. As an added bonus, the sharp thingies will fly outwards. Simple but effective."

Erah laughed darkly.

"Uh, there might be a problem with that." Two girls, obviously identical twins except that one had reddish-purple hair and the other had white hair, walked out of the woods.

Rayna blinked. "Why is there a problem? And who are you?"

"There's a problem because our father won't let you do that. I'm Maple, she's Oak." The red-purple-head gestured to the white-haired one, who waved. "We're technically your cousins."

"And who's your father that we should be so scared?" replied Kasai.

A man stepped out of the woods. At the same time, the rest of the dads and Bat came into the clearing.

Vail saw the man and screamed like a little girl. "Waah! What the fuck! I killed you! You're supposed to be dead! Why aren't you dead!!?"

"Yos, what the hell!" shouted Marquis.

"Dude!" yelled Bat. "You're dead!"

The man, now revealed to be Vail and Draye's thought-to-be-dead brother Yos, rubbed his forehead with his hand.

"You had kids?" shouted Zafe.

The bar

A new woman walked through the door. She made her way over to our table.

"Who're you?" muttered Hilaria.

"I'm Saule. I have a husband up on the mountain with our kids, and I think they'll meet up with your relatives soon."

Ten minutes later

"OH MY GOD!" screamed Draye as her brother walked in. "YOS! AREN'T YOU DEAD?"

"Oh Jesus," Yos muttered. "Do I have to explain it again?"

Vail clapped him on the back. "Probably."

Yos swatted his hand away. "Don't touch me. Last time I saw you, you were trying to kill me."

"It's okay now." I patted Vail's arm. "He's not possessed anymore."

Yos stared. "You married _Emerald?_"

"Guys, guys! Can we fast forward to the part when you explain why you're still alive?" Draye banged the table.

"Okay, so, when Vail tried to kill me he didn't, I just almost died. Then I met Saule and we had kids."

"Wait a minute," I seethed. Draye ducked under the table, sensing an explosion.

"You had children? You got married and had _children?_" I hissed. "Does that mean that I have to, yet again, rearrange the goddamn family tree?!"

I am the official keeper of the family tree. I edit it whenever someone dies or gets hitched. Only now I'm running out of room. So whenever someone changes their marital status, I get mad.

I sobbed into my hands. "Yos, you are the worst brother-in-law ever!" I wailed.

**Okay that kind of sucked.**


	15. Breaking and Entering

**Well! Everyone excited?**

**Chapter 13: Breaking And Entering**

"Aww, SHIT."

I'd just realized that we were doing something very illegal.

"Uh, guys? What we're doing is highly illegal and we could go to jail for this."

"Yeah? Your point?" Bat raised an eyebrow.

"Nothing, just saying that if we wanted to back out, it's too late."

"That's true," grunted Azulcat, "but who said anything about backing out?"

"Ah. I see your point."

It was late at night. Late at night, and we were stealing a car.

Stealing a car, which was illegal, so that we could pull off a breaking and entering, which was also illegal.

Breaking and entering into Draye's house, specifically.

See, what happened was, Draye is trying to make me pay $65 for like 13 of her old manga books, so we were gonna steal them so we wouldn't have to pay.

But first we have to steal a car.

And that, my dear, is how we ended up at a Jeep dealership.

"Uh, question?" Sneha raised her hand. "Why couldn't we just do this the legal way and pay?"

Everyone stopped and stared. "Do we _ever_ do it legally?" I asked.

"Yes. And anyway, does anyone know how to drive?"

"Yes, sort of," Hilaria called from where she was in the process of smashing in a window.

And for some convoluted reason (such a nice word, convoluted) we had Sesshomaru helping us. And that meant Jaken and Rin were there, too.

"Lord Sesshomaru! Why are we helping these pathetic mortals?" cried Jaken.

"Jaken, I swear if I hear your annoying voice one more time I am going to tie you to a rock and sling you into the ocean," I called.

Hilaria broke the window and amidst the sound of shattering glass, dropped inside. She unlocked the door.

"Alright, which one do we want?" asked Zafe.

"The blue one." Sesshomaru looked around, daring any of us to challenge him.

"But Lord Sesshomaru, if we take the black one we won't be seen as easily!" said Rin.

"Rin, stop challenging Lord Sesshomaru!" shouted Jaken. Azulcat looked around for a large boulder.

"Jaken, stop challenging my tolerance!" mimicked Bat.

"Jaken, stop being such a suckup," growled Hilaria.

"Nah, I like the red one better," Sneha said.

Sesshomaru drew the Tenseiga.

"The blue one's fine," Bat hastily assured him while subtly stepping on Sneha's foot. We all took the hint and moved over to the blue one.

"What idiot salesman left the keys inside the car?" Zafe wanted to know.

"An idiot salesman, you retard. That's who."

Hilaria sat down in the driver's seat. "Shotgun!" I screamed, and dived into the passenger seat before anyone else.

The rest of them piled into the back as Hilaria zoomed outside.

"Shit!" I squeaked as we skidded over the highway, breaking the speed limit by…well, a lot. "I thought you said you know how to drive!" Azulcat screeched as we thundered off the road and into a bush.

"That is it, I will drive this car!" Zafe announced, and marched purposefully towards the front of the car.

"Oh no, you are someone I trust at the wheel even less than Hilaria!" laughed Sneha. She tripped Zafe and stepped over him. "I'll drive."

And for the next 15 minutes we were subject to constant fear and terror as we skidded and swerved over the deserted pavement.

"Sorry!" Sneha screamed at a bicyclist she'd run into.

"Oh dear God," I mumbled, clutching my seat.

"Never…never again!" gasped Bat murderously.

"I don't think we'll be doing that again!" Hilaria raged.

We all climbed out of the car a lot more shaken then we'd been when we got in. Finally though, we were at Draye's flat.

"Okay, did you bring the rope?" Hilaria asked.

"Yes I brought the rope; do you think I'm completely irresponsible?" I snapped.

"Yes," came the reply in unison from the entire group, including the InuYasha characters. I briefly flared my nostrils.

Grabbing a large jar of black face paint and a couple of black hats, we all dressed up like traditional burglars, except for Sesshomaru. Oh well, only to be expected.

Using a grappling hook to grip the roof of Draye's apartment building and tear out a large number of roof tiles, we climbed up the wall and went in through the window.

"Aww! Fuck!" hissed Zafe. "Why the fuck does she have so many goddamn katanas?"

I bent over to inspect the sword he'd stepped on…hey wait a minute, this wasn't a katana! This was one of my rapiers!

"I thought you took all your rapiers with you when you moved out," murmured Bat.

"I did! Where did she get this one?"

"Who cares, let's just find the books and get the hell out of here," whispered Azulcat.

"I think they are over there." Sesshomaru pointed to a shelf.

"Wonderful, Lord Sesshomaru!" cried Jaken.

"Master Jaken, not so loud!" hushed Rin.

"WTF!" yelled a very wide awake Draye, thanks to Jaken. "Why are you all here!!!!?"

As we all stammered, looking for an excuse to be in Draye's flat at 2:30 am, Sesshomaru had taken a closer look at the books we were stealing.

Suddenly a booming voice rang out from the sky.

"Emerald Tiara….what have I told you about this?" the voice thundered. Hilaria winced. "Aw shit, Emerald."

The books we were stealing? Well….they were thirteen volumes of InuYasha. Meaning I had once again revealed to a character that they were just that, a character. Meaning Clio was mad again.

"Oops…"

"Oops' barely covers it," said Clio as she appeared before us.

**Right! Now while I have something TOTALLY awesome planned for July 4****th****, I'll be at camp, so does anyone mind if July 4****th**** from Hell comes in mid-August?**

**Didn't think so.**


	16. Big Colorful Explosion of Zafeness

**OOF…why, oh why, cruel god is Draye getting home when I go on vacay?**

**Hilaria: cuz life hates you.**

**Me: shut up.**

**Chapter…Uh…16, is it? Okay, chapter 16: Big, Colorful Explosions of Zafeness.**

"EMERALD TIARA! COME BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!" hollered Professor McGonagall as I ran.

Why was I running? Oh…because Zafe and I had just stolen Fred and George's entire store of fireworks. Yes, fireworks. Why was I spending my Fourth of July at Hogwarts, with only the Zafetard to keep me company (get your mind out of the gutter right now)?

Uh…because he called me a lesbian and I wanted to tie him to a firework and send him into the sky with an explosive dragon-shaped shower of sparkles? Yeah, that was it.

"Uh, Emerald? What are you doing with all those fireworks?" asked Harry as I ran by him, frantically dodging McGonagall's stunning spells.

"Can't tell you! Gotta run!" I screamed as I tripped and hit the ground. See, normally. McGonagall would be happy that someone was preventing The Weasley Twins from causing havoc and chaos. But, ya know, with me, things could end up a lot worse.

Zafe was still tied to the tree I left him tied to. "Okay! I get it! I insulted you big-time! But I already said I was sorry! Please don't kill me! You said you accepted the apology. You lied, Emerald Tiara. You LIED!"

"Yeah, yeah, tell it to someone who cares," I said in a Mafia-like accent. I quickly untied him from the tree and bound his wrists together.

"Emerald, did you take your anger pills today?" he asked. "You seem even angrier than usual."

"No! And I don't want to! Taking my anger pills will make me less angry! Hey, wait a minute. I don't take anger pills, what the hell are you talking about?" I asked angrily.

"WELL YOU SHOULD!" Zafe screamed as I pulled out a long rope and began tying him to a large rocket.

"Um, Emerald? Why are you trying to kill my cousin?" Bat stepped out from behind a tree.

"YES! SOMEONE WITH SANITY!" shrieked Zafe. "Help me! Help!"

"No. I still haven't forgotten when you blocked me. Anyway, Emerald?"

"Well, he called me a lesbian…" I began. Bat held up her hand.

"Can I help?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Uh, guys? You realize none of this should technically be happening?" said Azulcat, coming out of, well, nowhere. "We're in England, so they don't celebrate July 4th, and Hogwarts is closed during the summer."

We all stopped in the process of lighting the matches. She was right.

"Well…theyre here anyway, so can we get on with it?" offered Bat.

Lighting the match, the cord ignited and the Zafetard went flying into the air. "Ah, vengeance is sweet," I said with a smile on my face.

"You bitches!" We heard a distant scream before the night sky exploded in an explosion of bright lights and glitter.

**Short, yes. Deal with it.**


	17. In the Bar There is No Religion

ACK…I've decided to skip Rosh Hashanah and head on straight to Yom Kippur, but then I realized I just did a holiday (July 4) and therefore have to include another filler chapter.

THEN, I realized how much fun it would be to do Rosh Hashanah.

I'm in a very make-fun-of-Rabbi-Davidson mood, so here we go. (Thank god he doesn't know about this story)

**Chapter 17: In the Bar, There is No Religion. (The sort-of Rosh Hashanah chapter)**

"So let me get this straight," I mused. "Your middle name is Faye."

Draye stopped her beer halfway to her mouth, a look of terror on her face. "Who told you?" she hissed.

I held up a yamicha. (I can't fucking spell it. I mean the thingy, the thingy they give out at bat mitzvahs for the guys, oh wait it's called a kippa.)

Draye recognized it as the one from her Bat Mitzvah. "DAMMIT! I TOLD her not to put my middle name on it!"

"Remember those days where we had actual religion in our lives?" I sighed.

"Ahaha! I can't believe it!" Naruto screamed, behind us.

"Wait, did he just say he didn't believe something?" asked Draye. "Instead of just screaming believe it believe it believe it?"

"HEY, EVERYONE!" screamed Naruto to the rest of the bar. "Draye and Emerald are JEWISH!"

"Yeah? Your point?" asked Hilaria as she walked in. "So am I."

"Rememebr the days we actually went to services?" Draye asked.

"God DAMMIT Draye, you brought on a flashback!" Hilaria screamed at her as the room went blurry.

_Rabbi Davidson began his random speech that he did every year. "And something totally unrelated blahblahblah yadda yadda yadda…"_

_Draye rolled her eyes as she pulled out her phone. Rabbi Davidson droned on in the background._

"…_and this totally unrelated thing I will now connect to a reason why you should help Israel…"_

_She opened her phone and began playing tetris. I copied her and whipped out my phone._

_Unbeknownst to me, I had forgotten to turn the sound off. "Ding, ding. Ding, ding," went my phone, blaring the tetris music to the whole temple._

Ugh, the dreaded flashbacks.

"You played TETRIS during SYNAGOGUE?" I looked down to see four very short boys standing there. Kyle Broflovski's mouth was wide in horror.

"See Kyle, I told you all Jews are stupid," sniggered Eric Cartman.

"Hey!" protested Hilaria. I calmly picked up Cartman and threw him out the window. Some of the broken glass impaled Kenny.

"Oh my God, they killed Kenny!" shouted Stan Marsh.

"You bastards!" screamed Kyle. We shrugged and turned back to our beer.

"Wish I could've seen that," said Hilaria wistfully. "Too bad I don't go to your temple."

"You don't want to," Draye and I said together.

"Remember the time I went to Shabbat services with your grandparents and you?" I asked.

"No. I'll tell you what I DO remember, is a fucking BLIZZARD on my Bat Mitzvah," Draye growled.

"Hah! Are you serious?" choked Hilaria.

"Yeah. It was hilarious," I laughed. "Now, Hilaria's Bat Mitzvah…"

"Hey, as far as I know there was no problem with mine!" she objected.

"You didn't stick your finger in the cake," I deadpanned.

"You DIDN'T?" gasped Draye.

"Hey, don't be so hard on the girl," I said hypocritically, patting Hilaria's back as she sobbed from the peer pressure. "I wouldn't have either if your mom hadn't made me."

Zafe walked in. I pointed at the door. "Oh no you don't," I ordered. "You don't count as a Jew." He obeyed.

"That can't have been your cousin, Draye." I muttered.

"Yah, he's not that quiet about things."

"Eh, whatever," said Hilaria. "He's probably being moody."

"What I remember," I began, "is Hilaria's very memorable Bat Mitzvah."

"DAMN THE FLASHBACKS!" screamed Draye.

_Hilaria was about to begin her D'var Torah. She did so by reading about a paragraph of it in Latin, leaving the rest of the congregation in utter confusion and me rolling on the floor in laughter. This was to demonstrate the suckyness of the tower of Babel and how now no one could understand each other. Being in the same Latin class under Mr Clancy, I of course did not understand a word she was saying, but found it funny that she was speaking in Latin._

_At the end of the service, we were given the joy of throwing bags of Hershey Kisses at her._

"Ah, good times," Hilaria sighed.

"Bull, your photography guys didn't print out the pictures half the time!"

**PLZ REVIEW**


	18. Starving for Religion

**FUCK Yom Kippur. Fucking Day of Atonement, I'm friggin HUNGRY!**

**Chapter 18: Starving for Religion**

The sound had been there for the past three hours. It was low, and kind of rumbling. And it lasted for a long time. It happened every two minutes.

I was hungry.

Draye, Hilaria and I (the Jews of the MPS) sat at a table in the bar with our heads on the table.

My stomach rumbled again.

"Goddammit Emerald," growled Draye, "If that thing—" she pointed at my stomach "—doesn't shut up I will kill you."

Hilaria calmly reached into her pocket, grabbed Draye's head, and shoved a pair of earplugs into her ears. Draye punched her.

"If you get into a bar fight, you're paying for the damage," I said loudly. They stopped fighting.

"Draye," I began, "I thought you said the Jewish motto was 'yay food!' So how come we can't eat?"

She sighed. "It IS 'yay food.' But today is the—"

"What's this now? Yay food?" asked Hilaria blearily.

"Rosh Hashanah," Draye recited. "Apples in honey, a sweet new year. Yay food!" we finished at the same time.

"Sukkot. The harvest; eat under the sukkah thing. Yay food!" Draye and I finished.

"I think I get it now," Hilaria said. "Stop talking about food!" We ignored her.

"Hanukkah. Oil lasted 8 days; we eat potato pancakes fried in oil. Yay food!" I ended in a monotone.

"Passover. They didn't have time to let the bread rise, so we celebrate with a big meal and matzah. Yay food!" Draye chanted. "But, today is the Day of Atonement, and we have to repent and therefore can't eat."

"YO!" Sneha, Bat and Zafe came out of NOWHERE and sat down with us. "What's up?"

In sync, our stomachs growled.

"Oh…" Bat checked the calendar on her phone. "I forgot...it's Yom Kippur, isn't it?"

"What? Draye can't have beer? This is hilarious!" gloated Zafe. We punched him.

At that moment, most of Akatsuki walked in, along with Miroku, Kyle Broflovski, and Father Cornello.

"Huh?" asked Bat.

"Those are the religious freaks of multiple fandoms," Sneha said tiredly.

"Akatsuki's not religious," protested Zafe.

"Hidan is," observed Hilaria.

"The rest of them aren't," commented Draye.

Bat sighed. She didn't watch Naruto, and as such had no idea what we were talking about.

"Anyway, the rest of the recently converted to various religions, or something… I think Itachi and Sasori are Buddhist, Deidara and Zetsu are Jewish, Kisame is Muslim, and Pein is Christian…or something…." Sneha trailed off.

"I hope they realize that all those religions discourage killing," remarked Hilaria. "I think they only got into religion because Hidan said he'd kill them if they didn't."

"You know, I really hate Kyle right now," said Draye, staring at the 9-year-old Jewish boy. "He doesn't have to fast."

"What time is it?"

7:00 pm was the time, according to Hilaria's phone.

"So, technically, we don't have to fast either. Official sunset time was 6:53 pm," I revealed.

Hilaria and Draye vaulted out of their chairs and jumped over the table in their mad quest for food. Draye zoomed towards the bar; Hilaria went in a straight line out the door towards Starbucks, dragging me with her, against my stringent objections. I wanted to hit Dunkin Donuts for breakfast.

Bat, Sneha and Zafe watched us go.

"That is hilarious," said Bat.

"Sucks to be Jewish, no?" agreed Zafe.

**Christ. Well, in about 3 minutes I have to pack it off to NJ where I will enjoy a crazy, profane, vulgar, hilarious, crazy breakfast with my family.**


	19. MPS vs the Evil MarySue Machine

**Whoo boy, this might be but probably won't be very fun….**

**Shout out to Liah Cauthon, the newest member of the Mythical Psychopath Society…I would have put her in here but, you know, I don't know what she looks like (oh, if you're reading this, I need that info for my website. Click the homepage link on my profile).**

**Wait…help! I'm being attacked! It wasn't me! AARGH…help! Help me….sounds of banging and crashing**

_**I'll be taking over this chapter for now. Consider this punishment, Emerald Tiara.**_

_**Chapter 19: MPS vs. the Evil Mary-Sue Machine**_

They stood looking at it—Emerald, Draye, Bat, Hilaria, Sneha, Night, and Azulcat.

It was big and it was red, and it was a Big Red Button.

"Oh God, NOT one of those," groaned Bat. "I predict that in about 4 seconds, one of us will be overcome by irresistible temptation to push it."

Azulcat reached out and pushed the button. "Dammit!" she cried as girly, pink, sparkly dust appeared around the authors. A sweet smell filled the air. Off-screen, a chorus of angels was heard.

"What happened?" a musical voice sounded from the mist. The mist cleared. Emerald gasped in shock.

"Ho…ly…crap." They weren't in the bar anymore. They weren't anywhere they recognized anymore.

They weren't themselves anymore anymore. The MPS had been transformed into…something else.

Draye's hair fell in straight locks down to her waist, the scarlet strands gleaming in the light. Her cool grey eyes brought to mind angry storm clouds and icy mountains. Her flawless skin was pale but not overly so; she was perfect in every way.

Hilaria's soft chocolate brown eyes gazed out on the scene from her beautifully sculpted face with mixed amusement and horror. Her long, mid-back brown hair glimmered, the indigo highlights shining. Her skin had a nice tan to it.

Sneha's brown skin now drew the eyes of all; the coffee tint perfectly complimented her light cinnamon eyes with fluttering lashes. The hair that grew from her perfect head was black as night, so black you felt you could get lost in it. Her slender form shook with laughter and shock.

Azulcat ran her slim hands through her deep cerulean hair; her tail flickered about her shapely body. Her sapphire eyes took in her surroundings with utter terror. "What the…" she said, and as she spoke her voice was that of an angel; her cat ears twitched to learn this fact.

Bat's mahogany brown hair was pulled into a perfect ponytail on her head. A few strands escaped it, falling gracefully in front of her eyes. Her piercing emerald green eyes looked around knowingly, as she was the only one who had figured it out. A slight smile graced her lips, making her whole face light up.

Night was quietly sobbing with a horrified expression on her lovely face; tears rolled slowly down her perfect cheeks as she saw what she had become. Her short reddish hair framed her face beautifully; her bright green eyes glittered with the tears. Her pale skin perfectly complimented her hair and eyes.

Emerald was standing straight with perfect posture and staring into space desolately. Her beautiful blue-grey eyes made one think of storm-tossed waters. Her gleaming sky blue hair fell down to her knees in attractive waves and blew in the slight breeze. The small scar on her lip from when she was 10 was gone; she was now flawless and beautiful.

The members of the MPS, hearing this description, looked at each other.

And burst out laughing.

"Emerald, why do I get the feeling the narration is no longer in your hands?" asked Night once she was done laughing.

"Maybe because I would never, ever, ever describe us like that?" Emerald muttered.

"So…we're actually…IN a STORY?!" shrieked Hilaria. "Holy SHIT!"

"But WHO?" asked Night. "Who stole the narration rights from Emerald?"

"I think it might have been Clio…" said Sneha thoughtfully. "She kind of hates Emerald…"

"Is it my fucking fault that Sesshomaru looked?!" shrieked Emerald.

"Yes," answered the rest of the MPS simultaneously.

While Emerald punched a tree several times, the rest of them stood around talking.

"So, if we're…gulp…Mary-Sues, why aren't we quietly sobbing and being otherwise damsel-in-distressish?" asked Azulcat in a panicked voice.

Everyone looked around as if expecting these qualities to come zooming out of the trees and attack them.

"I think," said Bat slowly, "she went so far as to make us unearthly beautiful, and then she stopped…she'd not doing anything extreme anymore, but these strange qualities are going to come back and bite us in the ass before this chapter is done."

"Such wisdom," snickered Draye. "No less is expected from such a perfect woman."

"Oh, shut up."

"And my hair isn't fucking sky blue," muttered Emerald mutinously. "It's just bright blue."

"Hey—I have 'coffee brown skin' and 'cinnamon eyes'," laughed Sneha.

"You curse too much, Emerald," said Night.

Another ominous pink fog trickled into the forest they were in.

"God DAMMIT! What is with all this fucking pink!" screamed Emerald.

"Night Alchemist is right, Emerald." And there I was.

Emerald blinked. "And your color is now pink since….when?"

"Since I hired Winry to make a machine that would turn you all into Mary-Sues." I idly looked at my fingernails. "Isn't it such a nice color?"

The Mythical Psychopath Society looked at me in horror, screamed, and ran around in little circles.

"This is about how we all broke the fourth wall, isn't it?" panted Hilaria once she was done.

"When can I be the narrator again?" asked Emerald loudly.

"I don't know." I blinked. "I really hadn't actually thought past turning you into Sues. The chapter doesn't exactly have a plot."

Draye decided to play negotiator. She flipped her crimson hair which descended in rippling strands over her shoulder, where—

"Will you cut that out?" she screamed.

I giggled. "Fine, if you insist."

"Anyway," Draye continued, "why don't you just TELL the characters what they are? It would have major repercussions, they would be kind of pissed at us fanfiction authors for what we put them through, and we'd all be lynched. So technically, it would be the perfect punishment."

"Of course one as glorious as you would come to such a conclusion, O Lady Draye," murmured Hilaria.

"Shut up."

"Hm…" I scratched my head. "I like this plan. I guess my plan of making you all Mary-Sues has failed….whatever."

And just like that, the MPS was back in the bar, normal, un-lengthened appearances returned. Emerald coughed, gasped for breath, and fell to the floor.

And that was how I got the narration back! Hooray for me, Emerald!

I wasted no time in immediately screaming this out loud.

But then I shut up. Because of what I saw.

As one, every single character in the bar's heads turned to look at us, their eyes filled with a look of desperate hatred.

"RUN!" we screamed.

**Ugh, thank GOD I am the narrator again.**

**Coming Soon: Halloween!**


	20. Halloween ORIGINATED in Hell

**WOOT. Good haul this year, even if it did involve quite a lot of walking. SO, the reason this is off-schedule is because I remembered like a day before halloween that I needed to write a chapter, and then I didn't know what to write, and now I'm in Mexico because I'm in my friend's wedding. I'm a bridesmaid. But the hotel has like NO internet connection. Frickin JW Marriott.**

**Chapter 20: Halloween ORIGINATED in Hell**

"OY! ASSTARD!" I screamed as Zafe entered the bar. He rolled his eyes and came over to join us.

Hilaria, Sneha, Bat, Draye, Night, Liah and I sat at a table. On the table was a map, along with sketches of various things—most of them costumes.

Zafe assessed the situation with a speed none of us expected from him. "You're going…_trick-or-treating?_" he said incredulously.

"Not just us. You're coming too," Night informed him.

"I am?" He blinked several times. "Oh, no. Nonononono. I am NOT going trick-or-treating with YOU PEOPLE."

"Oh, yes. Yesyesyesyesyes. You ARE going trick-or-treating with US PEOPLE." I poked him in the arm. "Now sit down and decide what you're going to be."

Zafe warily sat as far away from me as possible. Draye began the explanations.

"As a member of the MPS, you are obligated by law to come with us, seeing as how this is an MPS trick-or-treat." Zafe rolled his eyes and grabbed a beer. I whacked him upside the head. "This means you have to decide what you wanna be _before_ you get smashed.

Hilaria pulled a large binder from under the table. She opened it to a random page and read. "Your options are as follows:

The generic all-purpose costumes, like the devil, a witch, a ghost, etc.

You can cosplay as an anime character.

You can come up with you own costume. Yeah, good luck with that. Asstard."

"Jesus, everyone with the name calling!" muttered Zafe under his breath.

"Aww, are little Zafey's feelings hurt?" teased Night. "Friggin baby."

"FOR THE LAST TIME, IT'S PRONOUNCED 'ZAFF!'" shrieked Zafe.

"Bull." Bat flicked a breadcrumb at him. "It's spelled Z-A-F-E, which is pronounced 'zayf.' If you want it to be said as 'zaff,' you need to spell it Z-A-F-F."

Zafe continued muttering under his breath, something along the lines of how no one in their sane minds analyzed words like that, we should all give him a break, and why did we care so much about how his name was spelled?

Sneha grabbed Hilaria's binder. "So, what's it gonna be? Option one, two or three?" She paused. "Hehe, I rhymed."

"Ah, rhyming, what a wonderful pastime…" Hilaria gazed into the distance. "Have you ever noticed just how many English teachers tell us that rhyming is unnecessary, yet some of the greatest poets used various rhyming techniques in their works?"

"_CAN WE PLEASE GET BACK ON TOPIC?"_ I roared, thumping the table.

Sneha and Hilaria looked up. "Not a chance," they said in unison. Unrehearsed. Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeet.

"So, it's been decided that the Zafetard will dress up as Tsunade," said Liah calmly over the noise.

The table went silent. "Decided by who?" blurted Hilaria. "I was gonna be Tsunade…" mumbled Sneha. Night whacked her to make her quiet. All were still for a moment, then as one our heads swiveled to Zafe.

He had an expression on his face much akin to that which appears when one has seen something vaguely sickening and disturbing, yet slightly horrifying and funny at the same time.

"Tsu…na…de?" he said faintly.

"Tsu…na…de," I confirmed. When Zafe's eyes closed in horror I shot a glance at Liah and mouthed _Tsunade? Why?_

She shrugged. _Tsunade has huge boobs, it'll be torture for him,_ she mouthed back. True, true.

The next night (Halloween) found us all gathered in a bathroom, trying in vain to force Zafe's stubbornly black hair to conform to the blonde dye. Outside the door Night and I were stuffing marshmallow fluff into two plastic bags, to be used for 'Tsunade's' breasts.

"You cruel, cruel people…" he moaned.

"Oh, shove it," Draye said. "Hey Emerald, isn't this vaguely reminiscent of how I hazed Zafe by making him cosplay as Sakura, as seen in chapter 19 of my Bar Stories?"

"Yeah I probably got the idea for this chapter from that," I called back.

**THERE IS NO FOURTH WALL.**

"Yeah, well, that was torture and so is this," snapped Zafe as Liah finally got the dye to sink in by discreetly mixing it with glue.

Night shoved the marshmallow fluff down Zafe's Tsunade shirt.

Hilaria carefully applied the necessary makeup.

Sneha stuck a purple diamond-shaped sequin onto Zafe's forehead.

Needless to say, Zafe was hit on several times that night.

_Even more needless to say, the female members of the MPS were of no help at all while Zafe was fighting off his stalkers. We just sat around laughing._

**POOH. Wow, I've come a long way…My first holiday chapter was Thanksgiving!**

**Oh, and my birthday was this Friday HAPPY 314 TO ME!!!**

…**Dare I put up a birthday chapter? Never shall we know!**


	21. noob is a nice word

**…..Yeah…..**

**Chapter something-or-other: noob is a nice word**

"DUCK!" I screamed.

Zafe looked up. "That's not a duck, it's a chicken…"

Draye pushed his head down. "Well it doesn't matter, just get down!" In a moment of rare bravery Zafe stood up and hurled an apple pie across the bar.

"Ah! Fuck!" came Sneha's muffled cry at being struck full on in the face with a cake.

"This is war, Sneha, there's got to be equal damage!" said Hilaria, wiping frosting out of her hair.

So, what was going on? Well, it's simple.

Food fight. OH yeah. The teams were as follows: Noobs against Us.

The noobs were the three new members: Kontra, Faith and Liah. And damn, I doubt they actually knew what they were doing. This is, neither did we. It evens out.

Anyway, for the fight, we pretty much held up a Food Emporium. Yeah, that was fun. Heheheh.

"OW! DAMMIT!" I screamed as a pizza buried my hand. Off to my left Bat had set up a mini cannon and was mechanically loading it up with Snapple bottles. The sound of breaking glass rang through the bar as the bottles hit the opposite wall.

"WOMAN DOWN! REPEAT, WE HAVE A WOMAN DOWN!" yelled Azulcat as Night was taken out by a pear in the ear. Draye launched a hail of chestnuts from a slingshot.

Through the deadly rain of food products, I spied Kontra stand up and start drizzling ketchup in our general direction, followed by Liah, grinning madly, who began to fire uncooked spaghetti through a machine gun. _Oh, fun._

"Oh, CRAP." I looked over curiously. Azulcat gave me a look of mixed utter disbelief and held-back laughter. She pointed to her own nose, where a strand of hard spaghetti was lodged. Zafe shook with laughter at Azulcat's predicament.

Bat rolled her eyes and yanked the spaghetti out. "Come on, this is war! No time for this!" she said, and was instantly forced to eat her own words as she took a hit to the stomach. By a coconut, no less! Embarrassing.

"DEATH TO THE AUTHORS!" screamed the large mob outside. It was mostly comprised of Eragon characters.

"DAMMIT!" screamed Faith. "YOU INTERRUPTED OUR WAR!"

"YEAH!" shouted Hilaria and Sneha. "WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT?"

I elbowed them. "Don't say that, we were losing!" I hissed.

"You WERE?" yelped Liah, looking absolutely delighted. Kontra smacked her upside the head. "Yeah, couldn't you see them losing troops by the minute?"

The mob roared. "Uh, guys, can we get back on topic?" Azulcat asked. "WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE."

Without a word Night handed out glow-sticks. "Um…?" I asked. Mine was _pink._

"Crack 'em," she said. Bat shrugged and cracked her glow-stick. The rest of the MPS followed suit. Night then proceeded to charge the mob, screaming and waving her fluorescent blue stick. The mob was silent. They parted, not wanting to get hurt by the apparently crazy person. She passed through the crown without injury.

The light bulbs flicked on. We looked at each other, shrugged, and ran screaming into the mob.

Half a block away, we stopped. "DAMN, those characters are stupid!" Draye said.


	22. DEATH TO INUBAKA

**Heh**** I get to stay home because I'm sick.**

**Chapter 22: Death to ****Inu****-****Baka**

"Everyone SHUT UP!" I screeched, brandishing a camera.

"Emie-chan, why do we have to take a group MPS picture?" whined Draye. I rolled my eyes threateningly.

"Because I said so, call me Emie again and you die a painful death," I declared.

"But I don't want to take a picture!" yelled Kontra, in the process of being strangled by...um...oh, I couldn't see, there was too much chaos. Oh! He was being strangled by Envy!

Damn, why do I ALWAYS forget that Envy is part of the MPS? So is Inuyasha, but we just call him Inu-baka for fun.

Wait, where was Inu-baka...?

"INU-BAKA!" yelled the ever-helpful Azulcat. "GET OFF THE ROOF AND OVER HERE NOW!"

And the dog-demon came. I stared at Azulcat. "How do you do it?" She just smirked.

Before I could say another word the camera was suddenly snatched from my hand as Sneha and Hilaria ran past me. "Hey! Give that back!" I yelled.

A few yards away, Night was up a tree. "You'll never take me alive!" she hollered as Liah tried to reason with her.

Just as I finally managed to wrestle back my camera from a very disgruntled Hilaria (no mean feat when Sneha is has you in a headlock), there came a cry of "Death from above!" and we looked up to see Bat, waving a katana, jumping out of a tree towards me.

I ran from the crazed Bat, bumping into Zafe. He made a grab for my throat, but I shook him off and dashed to the bar, slamming the door in Faith's face.

"Murtagh, Arya, I need your help," I panted. "Deidara, you too. They're insane!"

"I told you that trying to take a group picture was a bad idea," said Murtagh, shaking his head as he got up.

"Hey, what about us?" asked Eragon and Iruka. "You're pansies," I replied, running back to the group, three characters in tow.

Surveying the mob, Deidara raised his eyebrows and sighed. "EVERYBODY DOWN, NOW!" he suddenly bellowed.

The MPS instantly flattened as a small clay bird exploded over their heads. "Alright," Arya shouted into the sudden quiet. "We are armed and hostile. Now I want everybody to listen to Emerald and group together, now!"

"Damn, you're good," said Murtagh as the MPS meekly grouped together.

"I really need to learn how to do that," I muttered. "Alright...ah, Draye, Bat! Get in the front, I can't see you! Kontra, you're blocking Night, get behind her! And...um...the rest of you are good!" I put the camera on a timer and raced into the picture.

At that moment, Inu-baka waved a mirror in the camera's general direction, causing the film to overexpose and it was ruined. He then took one look at my face and ran for his life.


	23. Cake War

**Uh…happy birthday, Sneha, even though it is over a month late.**

"WILL YOU ALL SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!" I bellowed. The crowd silenced and looked at me.

The bar was overly packed, because Sneha's birthday party was tonight. In the crowd were Kenpachi, Ikkaku, Soifon, Yumichika, Unohana, Rukia, Hitsugaya, Matsumoto, Uryu and Ichigo from _Bleach_, Naruto, Sakura, Shikamaru, Tenten, Hinata, Kiba, Neji, Gaara, Temari and Kakashi from _Naruto,_ Riza, Roy, Havoc, Ed and Al from _Fullmetal Alchemist,_ and Zuko and Toph from _Avatar._

"Thank you," I said. "Now because I sent the noobs out to get the cake and neither of them can navigate worth a damn, the cake will be late in coming."

"The cake is a lie!" shouted Hilaria from the crowd.

"Yes, yes, the cake is a lie," I said, immediately distracted as I noticed Kakashi hitting on Matsumoto. "Kakashi! Stick to your own series, please! And because the cake will be late, we will be short of entertainment tonight. Which means talent show. Show the birthday girl what you can do."

"I hope you realize this means the bar will be demolished within fifteen minutes, right?" said Sneha apprehensively.

"Okay! Not a talent show! I'll randomly pick someone and they have to entertain us!" shouted Draye.

"We're doomed," muttered Azulcat.

"Umm…." Draye looked out at the crowd all hoping they wouldn't be picked. "Havoc!"

"What? No! Not me! I have no talent!" protested the smoker. "If I had talent maybe I would get a girlfriend!"

"Wimp," muttered Hilaria. "Um…Gaara! You do something!"

"The only thing I can do that doesn't involve killing people is make sandcastles," said Gaara, giving us all a death glare.

"Fine, BE that way…"

"Does anyone ELSE have an idea?" I asked.

"Play truth or dare?" suggested Sneha.

"What, are we all four years old now?" said Night. I shifted into a little child. "Emerald excluded," she corrected herself as I changed back into my normal form.

"How about we make Kenpachi and Ichigo fight each other?" suggested Soifon. I put my hands on her shoulders. "Is Emerald gonna have to choke a bitch?" I asked sweetly. "We're trying NOT to get everyone killed here."

"I'm the birthday girl, and I say truth or dare!" demanded Sneha.

"I dare you to pick something else to do!" suggested Bat.

"Okay then, give me your presents!"

The bar fell silent. Sneha sighed. "How many of you forgot to get me a present?" Most of the characters raised their hands, along with Draye, Bat, and Night. "You suck," concluded the birthday girl.

"Ooh! Ooh! I got you something!" yelled Hilaria. "I got you Shikamaru!" And she threw the confused genius at Sneha, who promptly glomped him. "Troublesome…" he muttered.

Hitsugaya stepped forward. "emerald said she'd kill me if I didn't give you something, so you get to be an honorary Shinigami." He tossed a zanpakuto at her.

"Giving her a sword is probably the dumbest thing you've ever done," Hilaria remarked.

Next was Neji. "On behalf of the cast of Naruto, I give you a Konoha forehead protector."

"But I already have one of those!" Sneha said. Neji rolled his eyes. "Fine then, you can have a Suna forehead protector!" Temari threw one at Neji. It bounced off his head and Sneha caught it.

Roy offered her a plushie of Al, which Sneha hugged with much happiness.

"Can I go next?" asked Azulcat. "I got you a bonsai tree."

"Uh…why?" said Sneha. Azulcat shrugged. "They were on sale."

Zuko and Toph gave her a rock. "Why a rock?" asked Sneha. "It's part of a meteor," replied Toph, and bent it into the shape of a cat.

"The noobs are back!" I shouted as Kontra, Liah and Faith entered with a gigantic cake.

"For god's sake, we're not noobs anymore!" yelled Kontra. "We were hazed, you know!"

"Shut up, Tinkerbelle," I sighed. "You'll always be a noob in my book."

"Stop calling me that!"

"Didn't I say I wanted a chocolate cake?" asked Sneha. "That looks like vanilla to me."

"Oh my god, you forgot to get a chocolate cake?" demanded Draye. "You've got to be kidding me."

"You didn't say you wanted chocolate!" protested Liah. "You just said to get a cake!"

"This is the MPS, dearie," I said. "It's implied that we wanted chocolate."

"So…we're not going to eat the cake?" asked Naruto. "If we're not going to eat the cake, can I do this?" He grabbed a handful of cake and threw it at Bat.

"CAKE FIGHT!" I screamed into the chaos, immediately targeting Ichigo and Yumichika in the battle. "Die, annoying characters! Wait, never mind! Naruto, come back here!"

"Never! Believe it!" he yelled. I tackled him to the ground, shoving a handful of frosting into his mouth.

Sneha and Hilaria were back-to-back, furiously throwing cake at any and all who dared approach them.

Kontra grabbed me by my hair and smushed a fistful of cake up my nose.

Draye had set her sights on Roy and was making sure he had a thorough covering of cake.

Bat was making no discriminations, preferring to attack anyone she saw, while Azulcat stood on a chair and rained sugary death from above.

Faith and Liah took the defensive, covering the ground all around them with frosting so as to make everyone slip and fall before they could attack them.

And all the other characters? Well, they were just having a ball with the all-out Cake War.

"So Emerald," yelled Sneha over the noise, "what did YOU get me for emy birthday?"

"A lifetime supply of sour gummy worms!"


	24. Fire in the Hole

**Yeah…today's my 315****th**** birthday…**

* * *

"Guys?...GUYS?" I called out as Sneha and Hilaria led me…somewhere. I was blindfolded, you see, and they weren't telling me what was going on.

"It's your birthday, we have to surprise you!" declared Sneha. "Cheer up. You get presents!"

"A nice present you could get me is either one of you updating," I grumbled. "Are we there yet?"

Yes. Yes we were, as I soon found out, because I was plonked down on top of the bar and the blindfold was ripped off. Wincing against the light I saw…nothing. The place was completely empty. "Truly all my birthday wishes have been realized."

"Where the hell ARE they?" yelled Hilaria.

"That depends on who gave them the directions, and who they are," I said pleasantly, knowing full well that both of them had horrible senses of direction.

Neither of the two had the chance to answer, because at that moment we heard a rumbling sound, getting louder, louder…and the bar door exploded. So did some of the actual bar. The party was here.

"Friggin' finally," muttered Hilaria. "Everyone SHUT UP!" Nothing happened, and the talking continued.

"Who did you invite, anyway?" I asked. It looked like…just about everyone.

Most of the MPS was there, and when I say most I mean Draye, the Zafetard, Tinkerbelle (Kontra), Night, Azulcat, Bat and Envy. Also there were a moderate amount of characters from various media, including…um…hang on, there were a bunch of them…Murtagh, Orik and Arya (I like her now because she has character development) from _Eragon,_ Soifon, Yoruichi and Renji from _Bleach_, Temari, Konan, Sakura and Kiba from _Naruto,_ Darth Vader and Obi-Wan from _Star Wars, _and Ron and Hermione from _Harry Potter._

"Huh," I said. "Sneha, come here for a sec." She complied. "It's my birthday."

"I know that."

"Why isn't Sasuke here?" I asked.

In that moment several crickets could be heard. "Crap," said Sneha. "Do you mind that much?"

"My birthday is ruined. I'll never smile or wear anything but black again," I deadpanned. "Just give me my presents."

"Who wants to go first?" asked Hilaria.

Dead silence.

"Characters first! Characters first!" yelled the MPS as one. Draye pushed Ron and Hermione forward.

"We got you a wand!"

"Okay," I said, "but I'm a Muggle, so thank you for this useless branch. It's very pretty, though." The characters blinked, and then went away.

The _Eragon_ characters came next. "We got you, um…"

"We?" I interrupted. "Does nobody believe in individual presents anymore?"

Arya narrowed her eyes. "Well fine then, we won't give you a present at all."

Draye smacked her forehead. "Emerald, you can't mouth off to _everybody_."

"But…but it's my job to be a bitch to people…" I protested.

"But," interrupted Azulcat, "If you keep it up you won't get any presents at all." That shut me up.

What actually was really surprising was that nobody got hurt (badly) through the rest of the gift-giving process. No fights were started, no blood was spilt…at least up until Tinkerbelle decided he didn't like being called Tinkerbelle and drove his fist through a window in frustration.

"Huh," said Night. "You know, tonight's been pretty tame, I was wondering when something would happen." Tinkerbelle—oh fine, _Kontra_—just had this absolutely murderous expression on his face as he looked around at the rest of the bar, daring anyone to comment.

"I hope you know you're paying for that," said Bat. Kontra threw up his hands in frustration and left.

"And now that the violence has started, it's just gonna get worse from here on," observed Zafe.

"Personally I find it disturbing that nobody's died yet," commented Sneha.

"Yet," I added.

"Uh, guys?" called Hilaria from where she was looking out the broken window. "I think we might have a problem."

"Oh yes," agreed Azulcat after she looked. "Hundreds of lit candles set in various places in the street would generally be considered a problem. How many are there, anyway?"

"Wow," said Draye. "That's a lot of candles." Indeed, the street outside the bar was covered in candles. Around 300 of them. All on fire.

"What I want to know most is WHO PUT THEM THERE?" I yelled, looking at each of the characters assembled in the bar.

"Don't look at us, we were here the whole time!" yelled Renji in response.

"It was me!" said Roy Mustang, appearing out of nowhere.

"You realize you could have burned down the entire street, right?" asked Night.

"Well, serves you right for not inviting any of us," said Ed, also appearing out of nowhere. "Speaking of streets, where the hell is this bar, anyway?"

Well of course nobody quite knew how to answer that. "It isn't… 'anywhere'…" said Draye hesitantly. "It's kind of just…here."

"Okay, well, enough theoretical stuff: Roy, why are these candles here?" I asked yet again.

"Well…it's your birthday! There are 315 of them!" he said enthusiastically.

"Wonderful, now please put them out so we don't all get sued for burning down the street?"

"If he burns the bar, I'm making Kontra pay," Draye muttered to Zafe. "We can say it happened when he broke the window."

"Look, Roy, I appreciate the sentiment, and I'm as much of a pyromaniac as the next MPS member, but could you please down the fire hazard?" I pleaded.

"Oh, fine," he grumbled. But as he move to extinguish the candles, there was a sudden gust of wind. And all the fire from 315 candles was directed towards the bar…

And the next morning, Kontra found a large-ish bill taped to his front door.


End file.
